A Tainted ‘Wink’

Yes, I’ll admit that I have a profile on match.com. I’ve met some interesting women through that channel, even though I’m not seeking marriage or a long-term, committed relationship. Apparently, neither were they.

Yesterday, I received a wink from a match.com member. A wink is a risk-free, semi-anonymous expression of interest that arrives via e-mail. The winkee gets to check out the profile of the winker to see whether or not he is interested before responding one way or the other.

When I logged in to match.com to check this woman’s profile, the first danger signal was the absence of a photograph. This is not an absolute deal breaker, inasmuch as I’ve had women give me valid reasons why they don’t want their pictures on-line, such as not wanting work colleagues or employees to know that they’re advertising their wares on line. Others, being teachers or doctors, feel uncomfortable with the possibility of their students or patients coming across the profile. With these justifications in mind, I looked further.

Now, this Turkey is no spring chicken—just a grizzled, old bird—so the women who express interest in me are generally fifty-somethings. This winker was no exception. Upon checking other aspects of her profile, her description of her physical self was fine. The only thing I noticed that might be a problem for me was that her response to “Do you smoke” was “trying to quit.” I gave up smoking 20 years ago, and I don’t have the desire to breathe smoke anymore. Still, I read on.

It was her response to the essay question, “Tell us about yourself and your date,” that caused me to slam the door on this yo-yo. Here it is:

I’m petite with warm brown hair, brown eyes, and fair skin. My weight is proportionate. I was married for four years, and we lived in England…North, close to Scotland. We still care about each other, but I belong here. I’d enjoy being with someone intelligent and funny! Humor is so important. When the moonlight and roses wear off, there has to be a base of a good, solid friendship with someone you respect, can laugh with, and simply just love being around. In my profile, I said I live with my kids, and that’s true; but they’re grown with relationships of their own. We currently live in Altamonte Springs, but everybody will probably branch out on their own eventually. Someone I would NOT be interested in would best be described as narrow-minded, materialistic, Republican (well, that’s redundant, isn’t it?), uneducated and content with it, someone with little or no sense of humor, a person who eats to live, one who is selfish, self-centered, “religious”, or a George Bush fan. I love the Arthurian Legend, English History, a really intelligent novel, laughing until it hurts, cooking for someone who REALLY loves good food, yard sales, and black labs. And if I tell you I’m a student of Wicca, I really hope you’ll be interested enough to ask me about it and not pre-judge me. Scared yet? Don’t be. It’s all very “white” with no sacrificing of small animals.

I’ve taken the liberty of coloring the “interesting” parts red (an appropriate color).

OK, so here we have a witch who has grown children “with relationships of their own” living with her in her dream world where they’re very “white” and they don’t sacrifice small animals. Someday they’ll all branch out on their own and form their own little covens, but for now, they will all live together in their hippie commune. Or is it Camelot incarnate? Hell, if she lived in Arthurian times, she probably would have been burned at the stake! But Guinevere is still with us, still looking to get lanced a lot.

The Turkey is a shamelessly hedonistic, materialistic Republican, but this witch has apparently got it in her narrow little pea brain that all Republicans are narrow-minded, materialistic, uneducated dolts with no sense of humor. Painting with a bit of a broad brush, aren’t you, Endora? Typical of those who cannot see—or do not wish to see—both sides of issues, this dumbass is the one with the closed mind. Yeah, yeah, I know that I’m doing a lot of judging and name calling here, but it’s just one helluva lot of fun to go off on someone who demands to be surrounded by intelligent life, yet has no tolerance for others’ ideas.

Hey, if my match.com profile left any doubt that I was selfish and self-centered, this blog rant should probably close that loophole. That I like to read my own writing and that I think others enjoy it too should be strong indicators of my incorrigible egocentricity.

I always love it when one of these prospects communicates with me, presumably having read my profile, and demonstrates that they either haven’t read it or are just desperate enough to ignore things that don’t match their expressed preferences. My profile says I’m politically conservative. Shouldn’t that instantly brand me as undesirable in Guinevere’s way of thinking? Yet, she winked.

She does get one thing right. The Turkey likes to eat—no “eating to live” here. So, a babe who can cook has some good selling points, but this shrew would probably poison me straight away. Ahhh, she’s probably a vegetarian—no sacrificing of small animals, remember? And I’m definitely a carnivore.

Did she say black labs? I wonder how many there are. I love dogs. I’m OK with one or two. We know that they won’t be sacrificed. That’s good. I like my animal buddies to hang around for a while. Hmmmmm, black. I wonder if they serve any symbolic purpose. Oops, there I go pre-judging again.

So, what we have is Guinevere, the head witch in a hippie commune coven replete with grown, 30-something children (with relationships of their own, God help them), eight or 10 black labs running around, candles and pentacles all over the place, maybe a few odd heraldic acoutrements just for Arthurian spice, a couple of old, mildewed Kerry-Edwards stickers, and some George Bush voodoo dolls with needles in their eyes. I’m cracking myself up here thinking of them all dancing naked around a big fire in the middle of what used to be the living room.

Hey, just for the hell of it, perhaps I should pretend to be what she wants me to be, so I can catch a glimpse of Guinevere and her nether world. Hell, I’ve had enough spells cast on me up to this point, anyway.

My intent is not to condemn Wicca or those who practice it. Everybody should be able to practice whichever religion or belief framework (or lack of same) they wish, as long as their conduct doesn’t hurt anybody. I’m just teeing off on Ms. Creative Anachronism’s sweeping ad hominem characterization of Republicans and “Bush fans” as ignorant dolts. I figure turn-about is fair play, just because I’m in the mood for it! Those who have no sense of humor will feel that I’m lending credence to Guinevere’s indictment, but so what! It’s great fun. (It’s my blog, and I’ll do what I want!)

Yeah, I know—I must be really bored! Really sucks when college football season is over…