Let the Rants Begin!

A brief introduction–or not. I’m not going to bore you with various factoids about myself. You now know the hair color. I’m delighted to be a part of this blog, which will allow me to escape implosion when I’m worked up about various issues (and people) that are just impossibly ludicrous. I’ll get right to it:

Item 1: Lady Madonna of the New Age. How wonderful it must be to look down on the rest of humanity, secure in the knowledge that you are “special.” I’ve known several women who believe themselves to be gifted with the wisdom of the goddesses. These Lady Madonnas float through the clouds of their perceived metaphysics, dispensing their views on the less fortunate (anyone who isn’t them). Okay. Everyone is entitled to a little narcissism. But have you ever noticed that the same people who purport to being the most spiritual are actually just the opposite—petty, self-centered, and materialistic?

Lady Madonna, voracious reader of all things “new age,” (she would never stoop to reading real philosophy or religious text), entertaining her minions at the corner cafe. She sips red wine, and with the smile of the all-knowing, deigns to listen to the conversation around her. Suddenly there is a pause in the oh-so polite “discussion.” The waters part and Lady Madonna speaks. She talks of synchronicity, hidden meanings, and herbal foot cream. As she holds forth on these topics, she inserts the subject that will be the main thrust of her monologue: herself. For as spiritual as Lady Madonna is, nothing or no one is more fascinating to her than, well, Lady Madonna! Should her devotees attempt to inject something about themselves, Lady Madonna puts on a wan smile and patiently waits for the blather to cease. And it’s funny, but Lady Madonna always finds a way, no matter what the subject, of turning the conversation back to herself and to her vision of herself as benevolent goddess. You say you just lost your house in a hurricane? Lady Madonna informs you that this is the divine universe’s way of moving you forward in life. And by the way, there’s a special organization that only Lady Madonna knows about called FEMA, and here is their phone number. And with that, you are excused because Lady Madonna has imparted her deep knowledge of THE WAY THINGS WORK upon you.

Now if you really want to stay in this one-sided “relationship” with Lady Madonna, you must accept a few things. As spiritual as Lady Madonna is, she just can’t, at any cost, get real. Every word and deed is under the guise of impeccable manners. After all, when one has the shield of good manners, one can get away with all kinds of manipulations and passive aggressive behaviors. Some examples: dominating the conversation, arriving late for dinner (everytime), keeping you waiting on the front step while she primps and pampers (herself, of course). If there should ever be a disagreement between you and Lady Madonna, don’t expect her to discuss it openly. Instead, you will find yourself at the other end of a subtle zinger that will take your breath away. So adept at the subtle zinger is Lady Madonna that should you call her on what she has said, she will look at you like you are the crazy shrew that, sigh, she has long expected you to be. No. One cannot confont Lady Madonna with the realistic expectation that she will behave in an open and honest manner. Hers is a covert operation. Which leads me to the following conclusion:

What a bunch of bullshit. I would rather deal with an honest jerk any day than some phony who uses spirituality and the cover of good manners to channel her hostility. What’s wrong with these people? Give me individuals who are free of b.s. Who lay things out. If somebody doesn’t like it, tough. At least you know what you are dealing with. For let’s face it, who can really deal in any kind of genuine way with the Lady Madonnas of the world? You can put up with them, sure. But you’re always going to have to be on guard because true intimacy is just not in their playbook. Allow yourself to look vulnerable in their eyes and they will use it to their advantage and go in for the kill everytime. That is why it is crucial that you avoid Lady Madonnas at all costs. Sucking the energy out of others to make themselves feel better is about as “spiritual” as they ever get. They probably should be pitied more than anything else but I’m just not that magnanimous. And I’ve given them way too much of my good time here.

Lady Madonna, I hope you get to meet Shirley MacLaine someday (it better be soon because she’s looking pretty, shall we say, advanced in age these days). Hang on because Carolyn Myss, Marianne Williamson, and Deepak Chopra will no doubt be publishing new books soon. And keep trying—meditation will no doubt lead to levitation. As for me, I’m going to wallow in the mire of my earthbound limitations. Run a mile or two. Enjoy a good meal. And most of all, try to keep it real. Lady Madonna, I bid you, adieu.