Charlie Sheen: Please Go Away

She doesn’t know it yet, but The Redhead and The Nittany Turkey have inaugurated our first annual Hollywood Celebrity Nutball Bashfest. Recently, The ‘Head gave Tom Cruise the heave-ho. This evening, I’ll “salute” the even more vacuous Charlie Sheen, who has joined the the ranks of some very strange people who think that the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks were concocted and carried out by the Bush Administration.

When I was a kid way back in the early days of television, my family and a veritable plethora of other Americans watched a very popular and charismatic Catholic bishop named Fulton J. Sheen stand behind the glass of the TV every Tuesday night at 8 PM and deliver lectures about history and everyday life. He was great.

So now, fast-forward 50 years to the present day, from the sublime to the ridiculous, from one Sheen to another—well, to a whole damn family of them. ???? ??? ?????

The first mighty mouth to be opened was the mealy one of dear old dad, Martin Sheen, who claims that Bishop Sheen was actually the inspiration for selecting the Sheen moniker as his stage name. Martin Sheen, the most accomplished actor in the clan, has spent a lot of his Hollywood celebrity capital protesting U.S. presence in Iraq. While I disagree with him about the value of the war, our free society gives him the right to say what he pleases.

Martin’s spawn, Emilio Estevez and the problematical Charlie Sheen, have also lined up on the anti-Administration side. No big surprise there. However, it is this Turkey’s opinion that Charlie has gone so far off the deep end with his conspiracy theory that he could conceivably sink the Sheen credibility ship for all time.

I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. You need to get a load of what Charlie thinks. On March 20, 2006, Charlie was interviewed on the Alex Jones radio show. Between Jones, who is fully cognizant of the audience expanding value of a good controversy, and Sheen, who only knows what he has read, they postulated the following:

1. That nineteen “amateurs with box cutters” taking over four airliners and hitting 75% of their targets implies an Administration conspiracy.
2. That the American Airlines flight that went down in Somerset County, Pennsylvania was actually shot down, implying an Administration conspiracy.
3. That there is no evidence that a commercial airliner actually hit The Pentagon. Thus, the Administration conspirators must have blown it up themselves.
4. That the World Trade Center towers were imploded by demolition experts, not because of the impact of two commercial aircraft. The implication here again is that the Administration was involved in this.
5. That if the attacks on 9/11 were real, Bush would have been whisked away by his security team instead of being left to finish his session with the school children in Florida.

Item #5 is, of course, tacit and final proof of a Bush Administration conspiracy. Case closed. Sheen defends this absurdity by claiming that he and whoever is whispering in his ear “are not the conspiracy theorists on this particular issue. ????? ???? ??? ????? ”

Sheen, the star of Two-and-a-Half Men (an ironic sitcom about a drunken, drug abusing, womanizing hedonist appropriately named Charlie) is a rehabilitated druggie, accused girlfriend/wife abuser, and high profile prostitution client who testified in the Heidi Fleiss trial. He further stated, “It feels like from the people I talk to in and around my circles, it seems like the worm is turning.”

Yeah, Charlie, sure. Never mind all the prepositions and stuff, what are you trying to say? People you talk to and around your circles, Charlie? A bunch of Hollywood loonies? Fellow ex- (perhaps) drug and alcohol abusers? Or just regular guys who happen to have spent $27,000 on high-priced call girls? Who are these idiots?

As a matter of fact, Charlie didn’t need to talk with his cronies (except maybe his brother, Emilio). He had it all figured out on the morning of September 11, 2001!

“I was up early and we were gonna do a pre-shoot on Spin City, the show I used to do. I was watching the news and the north tower was burning. I saw the south tower hit live, that famous wide shot where it disappears behind the building and then we see the tremendous fireball.”

“There was a feeling, it just didn’t look any commercial jetliner I’ve flown on any time in my life and then when the buildings came down later on that day I said to my brother ‘call me insane, but did it sorta look like those buildings came down in a controlled demolition’?”

OK, Charlie. You asked for it. You’re insane! No wonder that plane didn’t look like any commercial jetliners you’ve ever flown on—you’ve been commuting to the planet Tralfanador via flying saucer.

With regard to the alleged plane that sure as hell never hit The Pentagon, Sheen asked for proof:

“Show us this incredible maneuvering, just show it to us. Just show us how this particular plane pulled off these maneuvers. 270 degree turn at 500 miles an hour descending 7,000 feet in two and a half minutes, skimming across treetops the last 500 meters.”

There being no aeronautical engineering degree in Sheen’s background, I have to conclude that someone programmed him to speak about these things as if he knew what he was talking about. It didn’t work.

Of course, the intent of spewing all this derivative crap is to discredit the administration in power, as usual. Charlie doesn’t really think that the series of events on 9/11 were planned and executed by the Bush Administration, but he’s read a lot of radical left-wing blogs that think so, or at least blow hard in that direction. Furthermore, it has become major Hollywood sport to conduct can-you-top-this cocktail party pissing contests in public, with each vacuous, me-too star reinforcing the next’s inane opinion while attempting to go one better.

The aforementioned ultra-liberal (read Bush-hating) blogs, the left-wing propagandatoria, are all so glowingly proud of their boy Charlie right now, too! They’re even plagiarizing each others’ stories to apprise faithful followers of the great news: now that Charlie Sheen has endorsed their concepts, the truth is close at hand.

They all point to a growing collection of prominent and influential people who believe in this conspiracy. Well, I have to ask this question: If these people are so influential, why do they need Charlie Sheen to legitimize their wacko theory? I’ve already given you an informal list of his “credentials.” So, who the hell is going to believe him? ?????? ??? ????????

One of the left-wing blogs, PrisonPlanet.com, in an article co-bylined by Alex Jones (who else?) and Paul Joseph Watson, opined that “Charlie Sheen joins the rest of his great family and notably his father Martin Sheen, who has [been] lambasted for opposing the Iraq war before it had begun yet has now been proven right in triplicate, in using his prominent public platform to stand for truth and justice and we applaud and salute his brave efforts, remembering Mark Twain’s quote: ‘In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man, brave, hated, and scorned. When his cause succeeds however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.’”

Some of us still believe that Twain’s quote applies to George W. Bush.