UNIVERSITY PARK, PA, October 21 — It looked like a damn high school game in bustling Beaver Stadium, as a capacity Homecoming crowd watched its first team play like freshmen against a bunch of freshmen. The final score was Penn State 26, Illinois 12, but it was a lot closer than that. Read on for a synopsis of this rather unspectacular—and undeserving—win laced with vitriolic comments from your Thanksgiving bird.
I meant what I said about the undeserving win. The score is deceptive. We had no offense—period—and our vaunted defense had their thumbs up their asses for half of the game, repeatedly being burned by outside runs off the option. However, in the final analysis, defense and special teams were the redeemers of this thoroughly disgusting game. Looking at who scored the points, it went down this way: Special teams: 12, Defense: 8, and Offense: 6. And the offense’s six were set up by the defense giving them a short field. Sustained drives are just not in the playbook this year.
If every time you look at that damn five-toed paw, you get the feeling that something unnatural has happened, you’re not alone. During Michigan weekend I spotted both four- and five-toed paw prints. The five-toed paw was disconcerting and annoying. I even saw face painters carefully painting five-toe prints on people’s faces. It’s a pervasive conspiracy!