Morelli Heads for England

OXFORD, UK, April 1, 2008—The NFL has been trying to crack the English market for quite some time now, but it is not under that aegis that former Penn State Nittany Lion quarterback Anthony Morelli soon will be packing his bags and setting sail for Jolly Olde England.

Rather unexpectedly, the Rhodes Trust has announced that Mr. Morelli will be the recipient of the vaunted Rhodes Scholarship. Morelli will matriculate into the Masters program in Parks and Recreation Management at Oxford in the fall.

As a Rhodes scholar, Morelli will enjoy access to Rhodes House, an early 20th Century mansion with numerous public rooms, gardens, a library, study areas, and other facilities. In honor of Morelli and his unique skills, Sir Cecil Rhodes, grandson of the programme’s founder, Cecil John Rhodes, agreed to hang a lorry tyre in the garden so as to keep young Anthony’s legendary arm in shape.

Only 32 such scholarships are available to U.S. students each year. Morelli is not the first athlete to have received this prestigious award, following in the footsteps of former New York Knickerbocker forward and U.S. Senator Bill Bradley and Los Angeles Rams quarterback Pat Haden.

The Turkey’s reporters attempted to interview Morelli; however, initially, calls to the Morelli residence were not returned. Later, Morelli picked up the phone, quite by accident.

“I don’t want to talk,” Morelli said, hastily hanging up the phone.

We finally found Greg Morelli, Anthony’s father, who explained his son’s brusque withdrawal.

“I haven’t let you guys talk to my son since the Michigan game. You gotta have that kind of skin,” the elder Morelli said. “I think maybe he’s frustrated with himself. I don’t think he’s frustrated with anything the coaches have done. He’s frustrated with the loss.”

When asked what the hell that had to do with the Rhodes Scholarship, Mr. Morelli responded, “Oxford needs a quarterback and Anthony doesn’t need to be dealing with your negative crap while he’s trying out for the position!”

“You can’t fumble the ball,” Greg Morelli droned on. “You gotta take care of the ball. He knows that, he’ll rectify that.”

The Turkey’s reporting staff left the Morelli house scratching their head feathers.

Morelli’s erstwhile head coach, Joe Paterno, responded to questions. “Huh? Morelli? The quarterback, you mean? He’s a good kid. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Morelli has booked passage on Cunard’s Queen Mary II, departing from New York, in July. He will be accompanied by his entourage, including bodyguard Lavon Chisley, who is out of prison on the work-release program while serving his sentence for murder. A gay time is expected to be had by all.

The scholarships are administered and awarded by the Rhodes Trust which was established in 1902 under the terms and conditions of the will of Cecil John Rhodes, and funded by his estate. Scholarships have been awarded to applicants annually since 1904 on the basis of academic achievement and strength of character. There have been over 7,000 Rhodes Scholars since the inception of the Trust. Over 4,000 are still living.