On a night when televised NBA and NHL playoffs involve teams of great interest to me, I’ll be watching American Idol. Sad, but true! I must be nuts—this Meleagris miscreant has obviously hit been hit by too many fowl balls. Is watching this TV dreck more entertaining that viewing professional sports being played at the very highest level? Hell, no! So, why the hell must I do it?
Obviously, because I’m addicted to this detritus.
Thank God there are only two more weeks of this crap. I’ve spent too much time concocting devious plans that will ensure David Archuleta’s denouement; my birdbrain has a headache from far too much agonizing over this little dork being the presumptive American Idol for 2008 when his singing bores the hell out of me. Have I mentioned that he’s 17 but looks 13? I’m sure I have. After all, I’m crazy, so repeating things is my bailiwick.
Aside from the pipsqueak favorite of the 9-11 year-old female demographic, two normal contestants remain: David Cook and the very sexy Syesha Mercado.
Tuesday’s penultimate performance show will feature those remaining three Idol wannabes singing three songlets each. Thus far, the length of songs sung by the contestants has been a minute-and-a-half. A little simple multiplication yields the actual performance time as 13.5 minutes. The program is listed from 8:00 PM to 9:03 PM (the extra three minutes is there just to piss DVR users off—it prevents them from automatically recording a program that starts at 9 PM on another network), which is 63 minutes. Subtracting the 13.5 minutes from 63 gives us 49.5 minutes of commercials and worthless, dumbass interaction between Ryan Seacrest and the contestants and so-called judges.
This week, the 49.5 minutes of fluff will include visits by the putative idols to their home towns, where if past instances hold any clues, they’ll meet with minor politicians and old schoolteachers. (Will David Archuleta visit his erstwhile nursery school, graduated a mere decade ago?) Some will receive mayoral proclamations and the like. They’ll cavort with normally annoying little sisters and cute but proud grandparents. Cheerleaders will cheer in smelly gymnasium assemblies honoring the visiting hometown heroes. We’ll be subjected to taped vignettes of these unentertaining festivities ad nauseam. The only related fact for which this large forest bird is grateful is that Jason Castro will not be one of the home returnees. (He was eliminated last week—thank you voters!)
Again, drawing upon the last several years’ recollections as a guide but without knowing for sure, this Turkey will put his titanium-studded neck on the block to tell you how the show will go. For their three songs, contestants will choose one themselves, with each the remaining two being chosen by the judges or the folks from back home. [This just in: the third song will be selected by the producers. –Ed.] The judges will offer their irrelevant commentary: Randy will act knowledgeable and critical, Paula will act sweet and forgiving, and Simon will act haughtily brutal (not much of an act, for Simon), following which the American public will vote repeatedly. (Last week, while there were 21.5 million voters, they cast 51 million votes. Busy little phoning and texting fingers, weren’t they?) On Wednesday night, we’ll know who is going to have to be cast in the role of midget killer to go up against the seemingly unbeatable Archuleta in the great, big, fucking over-hyped final next week. (The performance-to-fluff ratio will decrease accordingly.)
Could Archuleta be eliminated this week? Not likely, but stranger things have happened on American Idol in the past. If indeed it does happen, it would bring all the hysterical conspiracy theory nutballs and their black helicopters straight out of the refrigerator, but the explanation will be simple. The American voting public will have finally tired of listening to that same, smarmy voice with the same inflections played through the same squinty-eyed baby face week after week after week. It could happen and this Turkey will be the first to applaud the American voters for their diligence if it does. A Syesha vs. Cook finale might stand a chance of entertaining me.
(At this point, I expect people to chime in and say that it would never happen in a million years, just because the percentages are on their side. That way, if it does happen, they can be suitably shocked and it will automatically validate their conspiracy theories and such; if it doesn’t, they will say “I told you so.” Duh!)
I personally believe that some U.S. Americans don’t have maps… I don’t know where Miss Teen South Carolina and I were going with that line, but how about Archuleta dusting off that great Morris Albert leisure suit classic, “Feelings,” making it his swan song? Whattya think, such as?
I’m merely validating main assertion of this blog: I’m nuts, I’m addicted, and I really don’t give a shit who wins American Idol, as long as it isn’t the baby-faced, boring Archuleta. Come to think of it, I don’t even care if it is Archuleta. Let’s just get it over with, so I can return to my other addictions.
Share this:
Discover more from The Nittany Turkey
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
The Redhead says
I fear I will not be getting my fix tonight, Turkey, as I am otherwise engaged. I hope you will give your play-by-play so that I might live the AI experience vicariously when I arrive home. In the meantime, I hope to see you online tomorrow!
The Rehead.
P.S. I predict Syesha will be gone…but then David Cook is not 100% safe. Oh, that we could say the same about Archuleta (whose Dad, by the way, has been banned from the backstage area).
The Nittany Turkey says
I read Sentinel TV Putz’s blog about Archuleta’s old man being eighty-sixed. His presence was equivalent to having Babyface’s agent there, which had to be a pain in the ass for the other contestants.
I shall endeavor to provide adequate commentary for your vicarious enjoyment of tonight’s lameness, and I look forward to reconnoitering with you tomorrow night for Archuleta’s send-off. (I can dream, can’t I?)
—TNT
The Nittany Turkey says
Seacrest introduces the three contestants. Syesha is in a slinky, titanium colored sheath.
On to the taped home visits. Archuleta is going home to Utah.
Now Mayor Snarr from Murray City, UT announces that Paula Abdul has chosen Billy Joel’s “and So it Goes.”
The Nittany Turkey says
Paula justifies her choice by saying it will “totally exploit the beautiful timbre in [Archuleta’s] voice.”
The Nittany Turkey says
Now, he’s singing it with his eyes closed. Wait! He just opened them. He’s grabbing his gut and embellishing the song in his own special way. In other words, he’s boring me again. This is the male equivalent of emulating Whitney.
The Nittany Turkey says
Standing ovation by the crowd.
Randy: You can sing anything, dude! You’re in the zone. You’re in it to win it, baby!
Paula: (the usual)
Simon: It was good, a bit predictable. I don’t think it was outstanding. Anyway, good.
The Nittany Turkey says
Seacrest threatens us with more David later in the show.
The Nittany Turkey says
Seacrest sits in Randy’s seat and starts saying, “Yo, yo!”
Syesha is in a limo in Tampa. She just got a text from Randy saying that she was going to do “If I Am Not You” by Alicia Keys. She says she loves it and Alicia is her favorite artist.
Randy says he chose it because Syesha is young, hot and he had a feeling that she likes Alicia just as much as he does.
The Nittany Turkey says
She is doing a good rendition of the song with a piano accompanying her. She’s hitting all the notes and singing her ass off. And she smiled at the end.
The Nittany Turkey says
Randy: I thought that would work really well on you, I could see you beaming and smiling right through there. Syesha, I gotta tell you that I’m glad you’re peaking at this stage of the competition.
Paula: You look absolutely stunning. (Thank you for nothing, Paula.)
Simon: I wish Randy had chosen something for you that you wouldn’t want to make sound like the original. You look GORGEOUS, by the way.
The Nittany Turkey says
We’re now in Kansas City. David Cook is on a Fox 4 good morning show. He gets a text from Simon. It says, “You’re going to sing ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’ by Roberta Flack.” Good Morning crew to David, “You’re going to sing Roberta Flack??” David: “I guess so!”
The Nittany Turkey says
Simon says he chose it because it was one of the great songs of all time and, unlike Randy, he wanted something different. He says it’s a tough song, but he has a feeling that David is going to do well.
The Nittany Turkey says
David is singing it with sensitivity, albeit without great enunciation. He is obviously not doing the Roberta Flack version. And he threw in a high note ending that rocked!
The Nittany Turkey says
Randy: Dude, so check it out. I’ve been a David Cook fan since Day One. You too could sing the phone book, too. Loved the high note at the end. But I wish that Simon had picked something that wasn’t as predictable as this older kind of song for you. I want you to rock. You’re a rocker!
Paula: It’s about YOU! That is one of my favorite songs and now you’re the second favorite person who sings it.
Simon: David, this may sound a little bit biased but I actually thought it was one of your best performance to date. This is what makes you brilliant because you take risks. It’s original. Round One to Cook and Cowell.
Seacrest: Debbie, our stage manager, had a tear rolling down her cheek as you sang that song.
The Nittany Turkey says
When we come back, we’ll see our contestants’ choices. But now, a word from our numerous sponsors.
The Nittany Turkey says
Back with Archuleta. He’s the one person who makes Seacrest look tall. Archuleta chose “With You” by Chris Brown. He says it wasn’t easy to learn. He wanted to give something different a try.
The Nittany Turkey says
The same voice, as usual. But he’s having fun, smiling and bouncing around. He’s actually trying to keep his eyes open. He never really deviates much from the standard voice. It’s annoying! But he did a decent job with the song.
The Nittany Turkey says
Randy: David, check it out, buddy. Aight so, I applaud the fact that you picked something new and young because I think that’s kinda the record you should make. But I’m not sure that was the right song. I couldn’t believe it.
Paula: It’s perfect, right in the right tone of your voice. Sharpen it up a little bit. I think you did a great job!
Simon: David, I applaud you that you didn’t do a very creaky ballad; however, it was like a little bit like a chihuahua trying to be a tiger, insomuch as it was not really you. [To other judges] Why are you shaking your heads?
The Nittany Turkey says
Once again, Seacrest threatens us with more Archuleta later on.
Syesha is going to do “Fever” by Peggy Lee, and she’s going to use a chair as a prop. The guys in the audience are hooting and whistling.
The Nittany Turkey says
Wow, even better dress. She starts with her ass to the audience. The dress is mid-thigh, with silver and black sequins. She is making great use of the chair. Actually, the dress is higher than mid-thigh. She’s not doing it the Peggy Lee way—good choice, because Syesha ain’t a Swede from North Dakota. She’s doing a fair job. He body is distracting. She ended it with a minor seventh, which I though was a a good jazzy touch.
The Nittany Turkey says
Randy: A very interesting song choice at this stage but what I will highlight to me is you sang it amazingly well. Great performance.
Paula: You look lovely tonight, Syesha. Of all the songs you could choose, I’m not sure about this one because it doesn’t show Syesha as an artist. (In other words, Paula is jealous of Syesha’s looks and body.)
Syesha: It’s OK.
Simon: Syesha, I think you will probably regret that decision tomorrow because you had a chance to prove yourself a contemporary performer but instead, you did quite a lame cabaret performance.
The Nittany Turkey says
Back with David Cook. He went with “Dare You to Move” by Switchfoot, who I’ve never heard of. He says that it was the appropriate song for the appropriate moment.
The Nittany Turkey says
He’s got his Gibson Les Paul, and he’s rocking out with it. It started slow and a bit boring, but he’s kicking ass now. Rock out, David, man! Round Two to David Cook.
The Nittany Turkey says
Randy: Yo, great song choice. Performance wise, it wasn’t your best tonight. Little pitchy, baby.
Paula: It’s such a challenge to put a whole song into 1.5 minutes and I felt like you were just beginning when you got to the end of the song and I wanted MORE!
Simon: You know what David, there’s not that much I can add to that. I think all three of you had an ‘OK’ middle round. And there’s one round to go.
The Nittany Turkey says
Now, we’re moving on to songs our producers thought would test the contestants’ vocal range. David Archuleta will do “Longer” by the late Dan Fogelberg.
The Nittany Turkey says
Comparisons to Dan are inevitable, and Archuleta is not comparing favorably, because he’s using that strained upper register voice. It’s such a weenie song, anyway. He’s now embellishing it like Christina Aguilera would do. His eyes are half-closed. His ending was weak. It sucked. (But I’m biased.)
The Nittany Turkey says
Randy: Yo. So once again an interesting song choice for you. But you could sing the phone book. Another hot one for YOU!
Paula: It was a lovely performance, David. I expect nothing more. It was just very lovely.
Simon: [mouth agape] David, I’m not going to criticize YOU, because I think you sang the song very well; however, I thought the song and the lyrics was absolutely horrible. I mean it was so gooey and it’s something that you’d choose for like a ninety year-old and you’re 17. Having said that, I think it’s good enough to get you into the finals next week.
The Nittany Turkey says
Syesha has yet another sexy outfit: a white sequined top and black pants. She’s gyrating her hips, too. What’s this song? “Hit Me Up” up-tempo and lots of drums and backup singers. And she’s singing her ass off. (That would be quite a trick.) A bit screechy—I can hear Simon now! I don’t think it’s going to work for her, so you stand a good chance of being right about her dismissal, Red.
The Nittany Turkey says
Randy: It was just OK for me.
Paula: It’s from the Happy Feet soundtrack. [A discussion of penguins ensues.] You did a good job but I don’t know if it’s the kind of song that shows off Syesha. I don’t know if it’s good enough to get you into the finals of American Idol. I love you, though.
Simon: Syesha, look, it was better than the second song. That’s for sure. If I’m being honest with you, you had your best moment last week with the Sam Cooke song. I don’t think anything this week has topped that. I don’t think this song gave you the defining moment at the end of this show.
The Nittany Turkey says
Now singing “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” is David Cook. He’s got a semi-circle of violins and violas backing him up. Started out slow, as usual, but picked up the pace and rocked out with feeling and mouth wide open at the end. Worked for me and for the live audience.
The Nittany Turkey says
Randy: Yo, DC. What’s up, man? To me, I loved the song. It was OK for me. Very predictable.
Paula: David, seeya in the finals! That’s what I predict.
Simon: David, one of the great songs of all time and I have to tell you, David Cook wins the night!
Seacrest: Everyone’s on their feet in the house! Thank you, David. Here are the phone numbers one more time, and go vote!
The Nittany Turkey says
After tonight, I think we’re looking at Archuleta and Cook in the final.
Advice to Cook: Bring it!
The Nittany Turkey says
Later, Red!