Let the Doo-Doo Flow!

“Hamburger Hart” to head announcing team.

Len Dawson, Bob Griese, and Drew Brees are three NFL Super Bowl winning quarterbacks emanating from Purdue University. Then, there was Kyle Orton, whose most outstanding distinction was being able to make Jay Cutler look good in comparison. Accordingly, should we nickname Purdue University “Quarterback U” much as Penn State is called “Linebacker U”? If so, can a name like Caleb TerBush wind up in the annals of the history of the NFL someday?

I don’t think so. In fact, I don’t think we’ll be seeing him play much on Saturday. He’s been benched in favor of lame Miami Hurricane transfer Robert Marve. More on this later.

More later also on Hamburger Hart and the broadcasting crew.

With that as a lead-in, we have plenty of ground to cover before we get to that for which you wish to skip the diatribe: The Official Turkey Poop Prediction. But you’ll have to wait for the end because if you don’t, you’ll skip the secret link that would save your computer or smart phone from death and destruction.

 Skip drivel.

If it wasn’t yet clear that I’m full of shit, re-read that last paragraph, but I digress. What has shaken me up so much? Huh?

I received an email from Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission’s Wild Turkey Management program:

A few months ago we emailed you a request for your assistance in completing a survey concerning your hunting efforts and success during the 2012 spring turkey season in Florida.  If you have already completed the survey we thank you for your assistance.  If you have not yet responded, please take a few minutes to complete the survey, even if you did not hunt during the 2012 spring turkey season.

The nerve of those people asking me to answer questions about killing my relatives! This was almost as ridiculous as a recent phone call I received from Barbra Streisand, who wanted me to vote for President Obama because she knows that I care about women and Jews. Well, there was one Jewish woman on the phone who I would have liked to have given such a klop, already! I’m registered with no party affiliation for a reason: I don’t want to hear either major party’s canned messages. Now I get both. Wonders never cease.

It’s ok, though. Babs went to voice mail, as do the rest of them. I just happened to catch her message as the digital recorder was screening her ill-advised call.

Next, I have to believe that I’ll be hearing from Roseanne Barr and Cindy Sheehan, who actually are listed on the Florida ballot. You know from the 2000 election how screwed up we Florida voters are. We’re liable to like the idea of these two biggest self-promoting leftists, who are Peace and Freedom Party running mates.

Weekly Feature: Famous Alumni

And speaking of presidential politics, our featured Purdue alumnus is none other than former presidential candidate Herman Cain, ex-chairman and CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and one-time governor of the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City. Although Cain’s baccalaureate degree came from Morehouse College, he pursued graduate studies at Purdue leading to his earning a Master of Science in Computer Science in 1971. He was working full-time for the Unites States Department of the Navy at the time.  Cain’s presidential candidacy hinged on his 9-9-9 tax plan, and he was briefly the front-runner, leading the languishing Obama at one time in the polls. However, the latter’s henchmen did a hatchet job on Cain, unearthing an ancient example of sexual misconduct. And thus, Cain’s candidacy was brought to a halt.

Had enough digressions? Good. I’ll reel myself in.

Game Tawk: Tawk amongst yaselves. Discuss!

The Purdue Boilermakers (3-5, 0-4 Big Ten) host the mighty Penn State Nittany Lions (5-3, 3-1), who are coming off a heartbreaking, apotheosis denying loss to undefeated #9 Ohio State. This week should be a little easier for them — at least on paper — but we’ll have to look closely at what lies before us, because the times, they are a-changin’.

The first big change is what I alluded to at the opening. Sixth-year senior Robert Marve will start at quarterback for Purdue in place of the beleaguered Caleb TerBush. This might provide the Boilermakers with a needed lift, but you have to realize that Marve screwed up his oft-injured knee in the Notre Dame game, tearing an ACL, which will require post-season surgery. Thus, we’re liable to see backup Rob Henry. What the hell, we could see TerBush, too. All the flailings of a coach whose job is on the line will be in evidence.

Marvelous Marve was quite a story in Florida, at Plant High School in Tampa. He was regarded as a plum recruit around the nation, having been named Mr. Florida Football and having broken the Right Rev. Tim Tebow’s passing yards record. He went to “the U”, where he started until Randy Shannon pulled him in the twelfth game of the 2008 season in favor of Jacory Harris. That pissed him off, so he transferred to Purdue, where he promptly tore the ACL during practice. He had to sit out a year due to the pre-Penn State sanctions NCAA rule, so the ACL healed. Then, after having been named starting quarterback in 2011 and taking the Boilermakers to a 2-2 record, he tore the ACL again.

Over the past couple of years, they’ve been playing musical quarterbacks at Purdue. Rob Henry had been named starting quarterback in 2011 over TerBush and Marve, but he, too, blew out his knee. None of the three has been able to hang onto the job for long enough to decide who the best is.

Purdue has been able to defeat only two directional schools and Marshall this year, but they aren’t quite as bad as their record. Two close losses to Top Ten programs, by a field goal at Notre Dame and in overtime at Ohio State, assert that point. Otherwise, the Boilermakers have shown that they are good at one thing — mediocrity.

Not that Penn State is all that much better on offense or anything, but the Nittany Lions do have the superior defense. That Purdue-doo can penetrate it like Ohio State did is just not in the cards, even with their dual-Akeem attack. Two running backs, Akeem Shavers and Akeem Hunt, averaging 54 and 41 yards per game, respectively, do not make an offense. The Doo-doos rank 66th in rushing offense and 75th in passing offense.

Last week against Ohio State, I won’t say that the Nittany Lions stank up the joint, but they certainly showed that they are not competitive at the highest level of the Big Ten, which many believe is not very high compared with other conferences. Superior opposition exposes flaws, and despite all the whining about blown calls and non-calls, Ohio State won the game going away, decisively. Other than the talent deficit, OSU exposed some coaching weaknesses. Bill O’Brien was just plain out-coached by Urban Meyer. With Nebraska, Indiana, and Wisconsin on the horizon, the coaching staff will have to do a helluva job from here on. (I have to add that Indiana is the conference leader in passing offense as well as tackles for loss, just in case you’re pooh-poohing my caveat’s inclusure of the Hoosiers. They put 49 points on the board against Ohio State and 27 against the splendid Moo U. defense, more than any other team this year. Don’t minimize Indiana.) But I digress once again. This is not about those other teams. This is about nondescript Purdue-doo.

The truth is, folks, that no one out there really knows what to think of this game. I’ve read a lot of pre-game commentary that says exactly nothing. Purdue shares the B1G cellar with Illinois. Do they belong there? Yeah, probably. Ain’t seen much to disprove the mediocrity notion. It appears to this turkey that Purdue Pete just plain sucks the big one this year.

The weather at kickoff time should be pretty decent, a little cooler than usual with a possible morning shower or maybe sleet. High temperature is forecast to be 46°F/7.77777778°C. This should be good football weather — neither hot nor cold, just mediocre. Holy Goldilocks and the Three Bears!

The broadcast rights to this game were such that both schools had to pay ESPN to carry it. Just kidding, but it is relegated to ESPNU, which is the lowest on the ESPN hierarchy. We’ll succeed the highly interesting Vanderbilt at Kentucky game, with all that SEC speed (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz). The broadcast crew will be Tom Hart (who? could this be the Atlanta Braves’ own infamous “Hamburger Hart“?) with play-by-play, supported by analyst and former hated Pitt Panther QB John Congemi (who had the unenviable job of succeeding  Dan Marino). Allison Williams will be the sideline blonde. If this game gets to be too boring, there are lots of other games to switch to at 3:30.

Prediction!

That brings us to that which you tried to skip the above diatribe to reach and screwed up your computer in the process: The Official Turkey Poop Prediction, always just as good as what it was named for, speaking of which, it just came to mind that my mom used to tell me that one of my favorite utterances as a toddler was “Duck soup and turkey poop!”, which must have been the inspiration for my entire life. I haven’t had much duck soup lately, but ah can sho’ spew the turkey poop! As it turns out, all of the schmucks at BWI are picking Penn State by a huge number, even though PSU is favored by only 3½ and the over/under is 51. This turkey doesn’t think that it’ll be that close, but jeez, guys, this isn’t what you thought it was at the beginning of the season or even after the highly suspect Iowa win. This is mediocrity, and the score will reflect it. In honor of distinguished Purdue alumnus Herman Cain, Penn State 9-9-9 (=27), Purdue 25. Mediocrity covers no spread in our time. Take the damn “over”!

The Turkey will be back with a recap whenever he feels like it, either when he recovers from his post-game hangover, or he gets back from possibly kayaking on Sunday and then watching the Steelers-Giants game.