You’d think that with as light an approach as I take toward the serious business of Penn State football, I would have published some kind of spoof here in honor of this sacred holy day for jokers. But I’m in no mood to write something funny.
Maybe I would find humor in the Zayd Issah caper? Nah, it just pisses me off that bright people with a real future find it desirable to fuck up their lives in exchange for a few bucks. And all that cholesterol at McDonald’s — what good can come of that? ???? ?????? Not to mention that the denomination in question, a double sawbuck, has long proven to be unprofitable for counterfeiters. The kid is clearly an idiot.
Or perhaps I could find something funny to exploit with respect to the Penn State Board of Trustees. Shit, that group is downright depressing! They’d fuck up a wet dream. ???? ??? ?????
Casey Anthony has asked the court for permission to reap proceeds from a book with her story. Kill your daughter and make a career out of writing about it. That’s not funny at all.
How about politics? Obama? Watching our wealth slip away? Governmental overreach? More depression. Perhaps Obama will use sequestration as an excuse to ban sex. Hit the people where it hurts to prove his point that Republicans are assholes. Huh???
Sidney Crosby is out indefinitely with a broken jaw due to a 90 mph puck fired at his face. The Pens have won 15 in a row, and Crosby is a large part of that. Letang and Martin are also hurt. ???? ??? Oy. No reason for levity there.
I seriously need some humor, but I can’t find any. Can you readers point out any quality April Fools spoofs that will elevate my mood? I’m sure you’ve had to come across some good stuff. Please do your therapeutic best for this turkey.
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Joe says
Does this make you feel better? Some journalistic integrity perhaps?
http://onwardstate.com/2013/04/02/bob-costas-to-host-show-reexamining-freeh-report/
The Nittany Turkey says
Yes. It actually does make me feel better. As the final paragraph makes clear — or rather, asserts — whatever Costas does isn’t about to change the preponderance of negative public opinion toward Penn State, but he can make himself look like he’s actually an unbiased, objective, self-examining reporter by doing this piece. It’s a win-win for Bob, and a modest triumph for those of us who would like the story to be fairly reported.
No matter what, if anything, Costas might say about the NCAA sanctions, they’re not changing as long as Emmert remains in the mix.
—TNT
Joe says
I agree regarding Emmert, but you my friend have to find something to allow your safety valves to lift! We need a rant; a tirade; a spit discharging post on something; you’re beginning to worry us. You’re going to lose 2 or 3 of your 5 loyal readers if you don’t get everyone’s juices flowing!
The Nittany Turkey says
This is not a for-profit venture, so I’ll write when I damn well please.
Just as soon as I am paid a salary for my therapeutic writing ventures, I’ll assign the Turkey a higher priority. Until then, I’ll write when and if I feel like it about whatever tickles my fancy, as always.
I am quite well aware that my fowl [sic] attitude isn’t conducive to building a robust and loyal reader base, but if nobody reads my stuff, it won’t change anything for me. My writing amuses me, and that is sufficient.
On the other hand, if I were to approach this self-created editorial assignment as if it were a job, then I’d be a damn fool, wouldn’t I? I didn’t retire to increase my stress level.
I have many safety valve releases, and this is but one of them. When writing doesn’t supply the required therapy, I’m hiking, kayaking, Geocaching, playing with guns, watching hockey, screwing around with ham radio, or relaxing with AS and family. Note that working per se was not a significant component of any of the diversions mentioned.
Perhaps this wasn’t the rant you bargained for, but this is the purest of pure Turkey poop palavering, I’ll assure you, and it’s the only rant I’m inspired to write tonight.
I do appreciate your contributions and I hope they continue; however, I wouldn’t think ill of you if you were to hop off the Turkey train because I’m not providing the type of entertainment you seek or for whatever other reason you might have.
To quote the late lamented Ricky Nelson, “You see, you can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.”
—TNT
Joe says
Chill Bill-it was intended to be light hearted! I don’t care if you lock yourself in the basement for a month, your columns are still some of the best stuff out there. When you post, we’ll read.
The Nittany Turkey says
Chill Bill? Ahhhhhhhhhh, the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique taught by Pei Wei. Kill Bill, Volume 2.
I was in a crappy mood last night. Sorry for the overreaction.
—TNT
jd says
you don’t need an april fool’s joke you just need some hope. So here we go:
Crosby: Naturally I loathe him. I was watching the game when he took the puck to the chops. Admittedly, I was a little happy. Thought it was just a few teeth chipped (like what hatcher did). I’ve taken a puck to the face, groin, etc.
Then I saw the replay and was horrified. This league is better off with Crosby then without. May his return be swift. Many other Flyers fans feel this way as well.
That, and I kind of want to see a healthy Pens vs. Chicago in the finals this year. Just pure hockey.
Sequestrian: blew up in the administration’s face. My wife actually is taking a 20% pay cut in that she is being forced to take every friday off without pay. We’re fine with that, as is every person in her workplace. Good news all around.
Lessee what else….I live in Maryland. Be thankful you do not. Bad booze laws, horrible weather, horrible government.
I would kill to be canoeing in Wekiva right now. Or hooking cobia in Jupiter (the season’s gearing up).
Issah: kids are idiots. Some more than others.
The hope in all of this is that BOB isn’t lowering the bar for the nefarious actions of his players. Taking away his scholorship (and hopefully burning a year of eligibility) will teach this kid to think before acting. If he doesn’t learn, then we are better without him. Bowman had some problems early in his PSU career and he redeemed himself.
What else: with every failed investigation the NCAA publicly exposes itself as a complete sham and a disgrace. Sue Paterno fights on. McGloin keeps fighting.
So go canoeing. Chase some ‘gator (they are still a little slow right now). While the Pens streak did end last night, know that Crosby will return, you got Iginla, and the team has pretty much locked up the top spot in the east.
The Nittany Turkey says
Kind words from a Flyers fan, drozz! Thank you for elevating my mood.
Obviously, Sid’s absence was felt last night, although it was a classic trap game. Crosby is the reason for the Pens’ third period success. He gives all he’s got on every shift. He makes Kunitz and Dupuis look much better than they are.
I’m hoping that leadership on the ice from guys like Morrow and Iginla, even if they’re new, will keep the Pens playing at a high level.
I’d love to see that Cup series between the Pens and the ‘Hawks. Bring it on! (I really don’t want to see Bruce Boudreau’s face coaching in the finals.)
AS told me that Giroux tweeted his best wishes to Scotty Hartnell for a good career in St. Louis. It turned out to be an April Fool’s joke. For the Flyers, next year can’t come too soon. I want them strong and scrappy again, because I treasure the rivalry.
And so, we wait, as Costas prepares his next act in the Penn State media circus.
Thanks again for your uplifting comments!
—TNT