Evoking malodorous memories of the miserable miasma called [cue minor key cello] The Dark Years, a 13-7 snoozarama won in a manner of speaking by Penn State over Indiana served the positive purpose of giving this turkey the official crown this week as the most accurate pick of the Nittany Turkey Expert Panel of Nose Pickers. I said the score would wind up 16-10, I said that PSU wouldn’t cover the spread, and I told you to take the under. Honorable mention goes to K. John, who would have been right on the money were it not for a certain pick-six. As such, he was good enough to have won this week.
After getting bored watching a few minutes of this somnolent, soporific snorefest, Artificially Sweetened announced that she had a prediction. It turned out to be 6-4, recalling that wonderful Iowa anesthetizer of a decade ago. Later on in the game I told her that I thought she was on track to be the closest, but in a spirit of unselfish fairness she said she felt that since she had issued her prediction after the game had already started, she was ineligible. Yeah, I would have had to say something about being past-posted on that bet if she happened to win. But it was damn close. Too damn close!
Yea, verily, this season is evoking regrettable reminiscences of [cue dark cello riff] THE DARK YEARS. We fans continue to get the shit kicked out of us week after week. Yeah, we all know why. But still…
Ahhh, you know what “they” say: The darkest hour is just before dawn. I think “they” was Mama Cass.
The announced crowd was 42,683 at Memorial Stadium, but they must have been counting all the illegal immigrants Obama wants to make legal or something. Looked more like 23,000 and they didn’t really give a shit. Can I blame them?
Highlights:
(I was tempted to leave this blank, but…)
- Bill Belton‘s 92-yard touchdown run from scrimmage gave us something to talk about, even though we know in our heart of hearts that it was a fluke (pronounced as Sandra Fluke pronounces her surname — like fluck!). It set a Penn State record for the longest touchdown run since the nineteenth century and made the rushing game look competent if you looked no deeper than the aggregate stats.
- The defense did its usual fine job and would have blanked the Hoosiers were it not for their own defensive score. They held Tevin Coleman to under 100 yards, which is something no one else has done.
- In a soporific puntfest such as this, ordinarily I would have chosen the Hoosiers to sop us up like marinara sauce on a piece of Italian bread, but theirs was slightly worse. Danny the Wallaby Pasquariello averaged 37.3 yards for his nine punts whereas Erich von Tothheimer averaged only 36.7 for his eleven. Degrees of crappiness? Yeah, right! We suck better? Some “highlight”, already! I’m clearly grasping at straws.
- Super Yinzer Miles Dieffenbach returned but he didn’t make much of a difference. There is no salvation for an offensive line as crappy as Penn State’s.
Lowlights:
- Incompetence abounded in both offenses. Zander Diamont‘s QBR of 10.5 was eclipsed only by Christian Hackenberg‘s 9.4. Hack was off his mark and on his ass much of the day, finishing 12-29 with no touchdowns and two interceptions. He continued to exhibit a pouty face, negative body language, and a look of exasperation throughout. Five sacks didn’t help much.
- Jesse Della Valle actually had a decent punt return of 24 yards for a change, but that in my mind was nullified by his stupid-ass 15-yard personal foul penalty and an interception he missed but should have had.
- Sam Ficken made two out of three field goals, but the one that was blocked was a chip shot that never should have been touched. He just didn’t get any air under it. I don’t know if it was a problem with the hold or just a muffed kick.
- The Five Traffic Cones, along with Hack’s lack of pocket presence, his inability to get rid of the ball timely, and a halfway decent defensive secondary’s coverage of Hack’s receivers conspired to produce yet another five-sack day for -23 yards. On the running end of things, the cones weren’t really pushing anyone around. If it weren’t for Belton’s big play, Penn State would have rushed for only 61 net yards.
Synopsis:
Two crappy teams played a too crappy game. Here’s an appropriate quote from BWI’s synopsis of the game:
Coming on the heels of four consecutive losses, the Lions wanted this victory in the worst possible way… and that’s pretty much how they got it. Christian Hackenberg had a scattershot afternoon, the red-zone difficulties continued, and there’s no reason to think Penn State would have prevailed had it been playing a better opponent.
Amen. Yeah, the red-zone shit was all too predictable, and it wound up being fully evident in this game. State’s shitty 4-17 third down efficiency was only slightly better than Indiana’s 3-17. This offense sucks.
I hate to say it but this is the kind of game you get when two awful but evenly matched teams compete for sole ownership of the crappiest record in the East Division of the conference. If you can manage to stay awake through it, various bursts of incompetence can prove to be amusing, but it was mostly too painful to watch. So what else is new, already?
The noon start might have been a factor, or perhaps we lay too much blame on noon starts. I’d say they never should have gotten out of bed, but that would be cruel.
To further enhance what turned out to be a primo masochistic day for me, I then watched the Michigan vs. Northwestern game. There was no scoring whatsoever in the first half. You wanna talk about third-down efficiency? Michigan was 1-12, while NWU was a respectable 10-21. Still, in a turnover filled slopfest, Michigan prevailed 10-9.
The evening game was much more interesting, but in the end tOSU pulled away to prevail 49-38 over Moo U. I bet most of you were rooting for the Moosters, as was I. tOSU still needs a lot of help to wind up in the final four, where I don’t want to see them lest they embarrass the B1G some more.
Double Benefit: After reading this week’s post-game column, you can take it outside and spread it on your garden. It will make your flowers bloom better come spring.
I’ll be back later in the week for a preview of the next nooner snoozefest, this one with Owls in da house. Maybe the hooters will keep us awake.
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K. John says
I think you should have thrown Angelo Mangiro under the bad column. He picked up the wrong man on the blitz which resulted in the Indiana pick six and their only points in the game. If not him, than what ever knuckle dragging moron decided to play him at right tackle instead of inside where he belongs. I have had about enough of this line shuffling. Yeah they are not playing well and Donovan Smith is hurt but come on, how do you expect them to improve if they don’t let them consistently play the same spot.
I think they should pull out two more wins this year against Temple and Illinois and the defense, Ficken and Hackenberg give them a punchers chance to toppling Sparty whose defense decided to play the worse game they have played in four years last night effectively knocking the Big Ten out of the playoffs. Right now, should they get to seven as expected, I think they will end up in either San Francisco or New York come bowl season.
The Nittany Turkey says
I’ve written off the offensive line this year. My blanket condemnation of them as a unit should suffice, so I feel no need to call out Mangiro personally. Besides, he thought he would be playing center, not sliding over to guard, then to tackle. It’s whoever is coaching that mess who thinks OL positions are interchangeable.
Just about everyone is practically conceding the Moo U. game, but Temple and Illinois remain to be played. I’m not giving the Lions wins there quite yet. No, there are too many deficiencies in this Penn State offense. If the defense makes a mistake or two with P.J. Walker, for example, he can burn them. The big question for the rest of the season will be: Can the defense hold the opponent to fewer points than the PSU non-offense can produce? I don’t think they’ll score more than 20 points in any of their remaining games.
So, this turkey isn’t expecting seven wins. Not just yet, anyway. I’ve tempered my expectations. We used to think that PSU was better than Indiana, Maryland, and Northwestern. We’ve got to start coming to grips with the fact that no matter how great the defense might be, this Penn State team won’t be lighting up any scoreboards with prolific gobs of points anytime soon. Whether the team is better than Temple or Illinois is at least debatable at this point and we’ll only know for sure after the games have been played.
—TNT
Big Al says
I’d suggest one minor amendment to your post. “There is no salvation for an OFFENSE as crappy as Penn State’s.” The entire offense (except maybe Belton) played like crap yesterday. Sackenberg has PTSD and the receivers couldn’t get open against the worst defense in the B1G. Indiana gave up 34 points to Michigan and 24 points to North Texas for chissakes.
This offense is the worst I have seen in 55 years of watching Penn State offense. The dark year’s offenses were never this bad – Zach Mills could at least evade sacks and complete 50% of his passes despite being unable to throw the ball more than 30 yards. Getting a bowl bid might be the WORST thing State could do. Those 25 additional practices will probably just reinforce their bad habits instead of improving their execution.
I was rooting for Moo U too. But not for the same reason you were. State’s only chance of avoiding a semi historic ass kicking was if Sparty was looking past the game and concentrating on their championship game rematch against the Cornholers. Now, Moo U will be using the State game to impress the bowl scouts.
The Nittany Turkey says
OK. Al. I’ll stipulate to there being no salvation for an entire offense as crappy as Penn State’s. You’re right. I’ve been following Penn State for over 50 years, too, and have never had such a frustrating experience as I have had this year. They are just plain bad. I won’t even exonerate Belton. He’s been part of the problem all year and one damn lucky-ass run doesn’t erase his overall incompetence.
—TNT
K. John says
I would disagree. The 03 and 04 offenses were worse than the current unit. Every defense they play is terrified of Hackenberg hence the blitz every down every game strategy they are employing despite the massive risks. No team would deliberately take a safety giving away good field position with Hack out there.
The Nittany Turkey says
I’ll reply in a full post. I originally commented here, but I’m elevating it to a post to spark a debate, if there remain any fans out there who are not yet bored to tears by these guys this year.
—TNT
Joe says
Well for what it’s worth they won. Yeah it was a snooze fest, yeah it was boring, yeah only the abject incompetence of Indiana allowed us to win this game, but we’ve known that for a couple of months now.
There is no panacea, there is no magic wand, this team is what it is. A ferocious defense that has talent and is able to be coached up and is performing well beyond expectations. A pitiful offense that can’t get out of it’s own way, a lack of creativity in play calling either by design or necessity, youth in some positions and lack of talent in others and a QB who needs to spend about a month with George Whitfield this summer to get his head screwed back on straight and correct his deteriorating mechanics.
Yeah I probably spent more time doing other things than watching the game on Saturday, but such are the 2014 Lions and it will probably be the same watching the Temple and Illinois games, but I’m in for the long run.
And to those that think they have a prayer against MooU, I would say make an appointment with your shrink.
The Nittany Turkey says
The closest I would get to that prayer would be to take Penn State and the points, but I’d probably have to be looking at it cockeyed to pull the trigger on that bet.
I see Temple and Illinois being 7-6-type games. PSU opened up a 10.5 point favorite over Temple, so I’ll gladly take the Owls and the points if that spread holds up. I just looked at it and saw that it had narrowed to 8.5 on Sunday night, then it went to 10 on Monday and 11 today. Yeah, I’ll be all over Temple + 11. Offensive incompetence suggests that the Lions won’t cover the spread. If the defense sets up a couple of scores, I’m screwed.
—TNT