Are you ready for Penn State football, already?

You say Penn State football season is right around the corner?

Okay, sonny, I better wake up!

My hibernation period since the post-Rose Bowl comments is officially over. It was a long season, and this old fart needed the rest. I fattened up for the long winter, slept for a long while, dreamed that my Pittsburgh Penguins won another Stanley Cup, and then I woke.

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WTF? Huh? Where am I? The All-Star game already? I missed half a baseball season?

#5 WTF?

Is it true that ESPN is picking our Nittany Lions as the pre-season #5 team? Must be on the basis of last year’s finish, which is all too simplistic, because I heard they had picked USC as #4. They must be on the Urban Meyer payroll, too, because they picked tOSU as #1.  I don’t mind that, because it’s typically the kiss of death. I really don’t like PSU being ranked so high so early. Am I f-in dreaming or what?

Gesicki

Through bleary, sleep clouded eyes, I note that Mike Gesicki has been placed on the John Mackey Award list as a candidate for the best tight end. Early in his career, he couldn’t catch a guppy in a one gallon aquarium with a sieve. Now, he’s a big star, kind of in an understated way like his predecessor, Jesse James, who is now the #1 tight end for the mighty Pittsburgh Steelers.

Franklin

And what? What’s this I hear about James Franklin getting a five-year extension? Is this true? OMGOMGWTF!!!

Paterno Family

I hear that the Paterno family dropped its suit against Penn State. As I recall, they said that the Sandusky scandal and subsequent sacking of St. Joe, which was not of the Paterno family’s making, resulted in a reduction of future revenues from Paterno branded products. Not many people buying JoePa t-shirts anymore, I guess.

Big Three to da Slammeroo

And the big three, Spanier, Schultz, and Curley, they’re headed to jail… or not? I heard that Curley pleaded illness and is trying to get a reduced sentence, or maybe just an ankle bracelet. ????? ?????? I think more than a few people are pissed off that they didn’t get stiffer sentences. The stiffer the sentence, the more pristine St. Joe looks, I guess.

Beaver Stadium Contraction

What’s going on with the Beaver Stadium contraction? Is Miss Sandy going to get her way with that? Smaller is better? Oh yeah? Well, to the simplistic fan who doesn’t have to plunk his fat ass in a 16″ wide hunk of aluminum bench real estate, I resemble that! More comfortable seating will increase the appeal to those with money, while reducing bragging rights for those who lack it.

McQueary

And McQueary? Sexting? Ronald McDonald? Gimme a f-in break, willya!?! This is just too much to take. I don’t wanna see the damn pictures and I’m sure as hell not going to include one here. No wonder his wife divorced him! No wonder he can’t get a job! Well, shit, now he doesn’t need one because he managed to convince the courts to give him a lifetime support stipend of some $4 million, right?

Shoop

Oh, and Bob Shoop is suing Penn State for the rest of his money, because he says Penn State fired him, but Penn State is counter-suing because he quit? Fun and games on the legal front never seem to stop. Oh, well, it’s a big money game, with high stakes for those who play it. The Shoop-Shoop Hula Hoop is now plying his wares at Rocky Top U.

Etc.

Oh, yeah… where the hell is the damned statue?

Other than Gesicki, I haven’t mentioned the Penn State football team. ?????? ????????? I’ll get to that eventually. I just wanted to wake up and say hello to all my old — what the hell was that term K. John used — oh yeah, mah slappies!

I’ll be back with the usual flawless analysis and predictions for the season ahead. Hope to see you all back from your hibernation soon!