Archives for 2020

Penn State (2-5) Hosts Michigan State (2-4)

Yes, the vaunted and ugly Land Grant Trophy is on the line at 3:30 on Saturday, but that’s not what I’m referring to with the headline. Nein, Nein, Frau Gordon! As no doubt you are aware by now, the Big Ten has changed the rules of the game in the ninth inning. Because the meaningless Ohio State-Michigan game was canceled due to a Michigan Covid-19 outbreak, they needed to contrive a way to make tOSU eligible for the CFP, already! I know this you are excited, but, you must click now this link. I’m sure this will get you more excited!

The Big Ten wouldn’t have been happy with Indiana or Northwestern in the playoffs. Furthermore, Columbus would become the scene of a football insurrection. While it is moot in most of our minds that the Schmuckeyes are the best team by far in the conference, changing the rules percussively to suit current circumstances and favor a certain player, team, or venue ain’t fair dinkum. What’s next? You have to go to 1xBet Alternative Link to bet for your favorite team so you can win a lot.

Oh, sure, Covid-19 itself isn’t fair and this is an extraordinary year, unique in anyone’s recollection. Its crappy record aside, Penn State has fared well with its approach to minimizing the effect of the dreaded virus. Other schools have coped well, too. Those who haven’t been vigilant might have cost tOSU a shot at the CFP, truly, absent such a decision by the league. It’s not the Schmuckeyes’ fault. They were a victim of unfortunate circumstances in a time where many, many real-life people are suffering unfortunate consequences due to a pandemic well beyond their control. So, let’s give the hapless fans their wonderful Tree Nuts to ease their burden by anointing the mighty Schmuckeyes and affording them the opportunity to lose to Clemson or Alabama. We all want to be connecting our businesses with people who could benefit from our products or services. Marketing with a professional video production is a big part of accomplishing this.

I hope Northwestern kicks their asses up and down the field to spare us the embarrassment. Good luck, Pat Fitzgerald! That would serve the Big Ten right! (I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel any special homey pride when tOSU wins the Still Somewhat Mythical National Championship (SSMNC).).

But I digress!

The above might be my all-time record digression. Let’s get back to the point: Covid-19 notwithstanding, Moo U. (2-4) will attempt to capture the lovely Land Grant Trophy on Saturday at St. Joe Memorial Field at Irwin Financial Stadium, formerly known as Beaver. (I renamed it. A big “HOWYA DOIN?” to Mike Irwin #40, the ganzamacher of Irwin Financial, who was team captain when this turkey attended Penn State). Yes, the Land Grant Trophy is what it’s all about — not!

What it is is pride, which does not depend on what your definition of “is” is. Penn State is on a two-game winning streak that will never redeem a season that began with five losses, but it will make everyone feel better and it will keep the buzz alive regarding participating in a ridiculous bowl game in some backwater town. And who knows what the rules might be for the Plus One game against the other division? The league will surely invent them on the fly to suit the circumstances. One potential outcome is no Plus One week for anyone except Ohio State and Northwestern. What would we gain by Penn State playing Illinois or Minnesota in an empty stadium? Who would interrupt a pre-Christmas Saturday for that? Only the football starved, and maybe not all of them.

That Week Nine game might get us a better shot at a premium bowl. Oh yeah. Right. Sanguinarians ASS-ume that Penn State will win out, which is sure as hell not a given here. Suddenly, two wins over the dregs of the Big Ten East have elevated the mood to irrational euphoria, so they’re checking off Moo U. and the Plus One opponent as being in the bag. What will that bring us? A bid to the vaunted K-Y Jelly Fablunget Bowl in Bogalusa, Louisiana (formerly, the Kohler Toilet Bowl renamed and moved from Wisconsin due to the governor’s preclusive Covid-19 policy) in an empty high school stadium whose original capacity was 8,000. Defeating the midlle of the pack MAC opponent there will give us a non-losing season! 5-5. Sanguinarian Magic! Oy vey is mir!

NOT SO FAST!

Reel it in, Sangies! The Nittany Kitties still must play this one against our Land Grant buddies, the Moo U. Fartin’ Spartans. Focus, boys! Them Sparties suck, but if your heads go back up your asses like they did when pouting after the Indiana loss, you’ll be back in the shits again! We must curtail the onset of (cue double-bass) The Dark Years. Part Two!

We know that the James Franklin/ Kirk Ciarocca Connection will be keeping the offense dumbed-down and the Pry Bar will be keeping the defense half-assed. Despite those immutable conditions, one would hope to see a big offensive play here and there (dare I say “explosive”?) and an occasional big defensive stop. We know they’re capable of the latter because they did it against mighty Rutgers. But pleeeeeeeease knock off the missed tackles! On offense, does Will Levis HAVE to run the ball whenever he enters the game? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on ME! A little variety, Kirk and James? How bout it?

This should be a field day for the PSU defense because Michigan State hasn’t put up many points this year. They have no rushing game, averaging only 95.2 yards per game. Even Penn State, who has been late in getting their running game off the ground, averages almost double that. But the Spartans must be respected. They provided western division champion Northwestern with the Wildcats’ only loss, 29-20 back on November 28. Maybe the ‘Cats had too much Fancy Feast Tender Chicken Hearts, Feet & Beaks (never turkey) for Thanksgiving.

The Fartin’ Spartans have had some quarterback woes. Their starter, Rocky Lombardi, looks more like he should be captain of the surfin’ squad at Pepperdine. He can occasionally shine with “explosive” plays, which must be respected. However, he was hurt in Sparty’s last outing, a 52-12 loss to the Schmuckeyes, and was replaced by redshirt freshman Payton Thorne. Thorne wound up 16-25 for 147 yards, no TDs, and one INT. Lombardi’s bell got rung and it is still reverberating; his status for Saturday is still uncertain.

Penn State still has lots of work to do. Aside from the offensive and defensive woes I mentioned, special teams are performing abysmally. I’ll give Jordan Stout and Jake Pinegar a pass on last week because of the stiff, gusty winds of Piscataway, but they still have not given us the confidence in their play that we need to have if we, the armchair coaches, are going to guide them to a non-losing season record. They’ll do better in the calm of home turf this weekend.

(I’m not mentioning the Facebook coaches, whose “solution” to all problems is to get rid of James Franklin. Hell, they even started in on Mike Tomlin after the Steelers lost their first game of the year. That’s why they get paid the big bucks to be keyboard warriors, I suppose).

But I digress. Let me say that Penn State once again is put in the unfamiliar position of being favored by the gambling community — in this case, by a couple of touchdowns. That, along with some of the crap I wrote above, portend a victory on Saturday — but they still must play the game!

Da Wedda

Not too bad for late fall football weather — cloudy and mild, with high of 49° with a 40% chance of rain showers. Light winds = no excuses for Stout and Pinegar.

Da Bottom Line

Senior Day finds the mighty Nittany Lions favored by 15. The over/under is 47. That brings us to the weekly feature you’ve been waiting for: The Official Turkey Poop Prediction, that awful offal excreted by this foul old fowl. Boy, does the Big Ten suck this year! It’s Ohio State and the Vast Unwashed. This is a fitting pseudo-rivalry end to a pseudo-season. We can’t sort out the pecking order of the Big Ten once outside Columbus, but we CAN take care of business and join with the rest of the on-line armchair coaches in defending the illustrious Land Grant Trophy.

The gambling line works out to a Penn State win by a score like 31-16. This looks OK on the Moo side, but PSU ain’t going to score that many points. They still suck in the red zone (and the Steelers have caught that disease of late). They still drop passes (and they gave that to the Steelers, too, big time). I just needed to fill some space while I think about my prediction. OK, I’m ready. Penn State 27, Michigan State 16. Take the under.

I’ll be back after the game with a wrap-up of the game and the regular season, and possibly, maybe, perchance, peradventure, a little inkling of how the post-season will shape up.

Penn State 23, Rutgers 7

The resurgent Penn State Nittany Lions (2-5) extended their winning streak to two by defeating the Rutgers Scarlet Knights (2-5) 23-7 on a crappy day in Piscataway at SHI (where’s the T?) Stadium. This dominating effort was the Lions’ fourteenth straight win over Rutgers. Hey, they invented football thousands of years ago. And Al Gore invented the internet back then, too. But I digress.

In a game most of us penciled in as a bye week in our pre-season assessment, both offensive and defensive lines proved they were up to the task. Why couldn’t they have played like this against Indiana or Ohio State, you ask? Have they finally gotten their “superior talent” act together? Of did Rutgers merely burst their own bubble, reverting to the crappy Scarlet Knights we all know and love?

The crappy Rutgers we know and love?

Rutgers had certainly exceeded expectations to this point in this pseudo-season, even with only two wins. Greg Schiano, nine years after his last head coaching stint at Rutgers, seemed to have his team well motivated and playing hard — until Saturday. The Nittany Lions came to town and destroyed them with a Nor’easter brewing: a foul loss to match the foul weather.

Penn State reverted to fundamental, grind-it-out football of the St. Joe variety. Run it up the gut! Pound them mercilessly into submission! Put them in a hole and don’t let them out! The Lions rushed 57 times for 248 yards while their trusty defense held the Knights to 83 yards rushing and just 205 total yards. PSU led time of possession 36:47 to 23:13 and dominated first downs 23-12. Yep, a good old fashioned butt kicking wrought upon the Rutgers we know and love, avenging last year’s awful first half.

I suppose some will once again question James Franklin’s play calling decisions and clock management, especially given the abysmal red zone performance (again). The same old plays ran repeatedly. However, it was a win, so I won’t be overly critical, especially because suddenly, over the last two games, the team appears to have “found itself”, playing like they want to be there — like they care about winning.

Small Steps

Yeah, I know. Michigan and Rutgers. Two laggards. But it’s a start, a springboard to a couple of potential victories over Moo U. and Illinois or Purdue. It might be enough to give us hope for some normalcy next year. Given the topsy-turvy season and its convoluted rules, a trip to a bowl destination might be possible with a 4-5 record, but I think the team would be best advised to reject any such invitation.

Yeah, I know, Joe. A bowl bid entitles them to engage in additional practice sessions. However, the NIttany Lions have done a fantastic job of sticking with the team when they could have opted out. Given all the distractions, shouldn’t they be rewarded with an opportunity to spend time with loved ones instead of a meaningless bowl trip? Because football starved fans want to see another game? Because Sandy Barbour’s athletic program coffers might get a boost?

Let’s Keep the Abominable Land Grant Trophy!

With this convincing victory, the upsurging Nittany Lions have shown that they are worthy of escaping the bargain basement of the Big Ten East. A win over Moo U. next weekend would put them at 3-5 and leave at least two two-loss teams beneath them in the standings. (If they play, Michigan will surely lose to tOSU). Way to claw your way back, Lions! OK, I’m a bit overexuberant after wins over the dregs of the East, but I’ll take irrational euphoria for now. Who the hell can figure out this strange football season, anyway?

Moo U. has no offense — Rocky Lombardi looks more like a surfer than a quarterback — but their defense ain’t half bad. Well, unless they’re playing tOSU. With our own long time defensive line coach Larry Johnson, Sr. coaching the Schmuckeyes due to Ryan Day’s Covid-19 positivity, the Spartans lost 52-12 on Saturday. Moo U. didn’t score until the clean jerseys started appearing in the second half. They “held” the Schmucks to 521 total yards. However, we all know that tOSU by far has more offensive firepower by far than any other Big Ten team.

So once more unto the breach and the Nittany Lions can leave this season with their heads held high.

I’ll be back with a further look at Moo U. and even a picture of the abominable Land Grant Trophy for which it will be played.

Penn State (1-5) vs. Rutgers (2-4)

Penn State (1-5) ranks #22 in CBS Sports’ Bottom 25 after their surprising win over Michigan last Saturday. This week’s opponent, the mighty Rutgers Scarlet Knights (2-4) is unranked, but the oddsmakers and their gambling minions are heavily favoring our visiting Nittany Lions in a game that will be played in shitty December New Jersey weather at noon on Saturday.

And no, I will not re-post the article from 2015 featuring Rutgers’ own Asia Carrera as the Distinguished Alumna of the Week. So don’t ask!

The question expressed by this article’s title translates to this: Was last week’s win a fluke and will it be back business as usual this week? I am one conflicted turkey, torn between my heart and my head. My loyal heart says they’re emerging from their doldrums while my pragmatic brain tells me that reversion to crappy form is more likely, especially given the noon start on the road. PSU never does well with those, even in good years! Let me flap my beak a little more.

Sanguinarians will tell you that Penn State has solved its problems and that its talent is so superior to other teams in the conference that bad coaching must be the problem. They would be wrong. Sanguinarians would say that the reason players are distracted, acting as if they do not want to be there, is bad coaching. They would be wrong. However, a lack of talent and motivation can be and is exacerbated by bad coaching. Plenty of blame to go around. Don’t exonerate either the coaches or the players.

Who be Rutgers?

Back to our suddenly worthy opponent, former Penn State assistant Greg Schiano has made a serious attempt toward a football renaissance in his second stint at the Estate Ooneebairseethee of Nueva Yerssey. Their two meager wins, over Purdue and Moo U., do not tell the full story of this season. Last year, they were total crap (yet Penn State struggled with them in the Thanksgiving weekend game, which embarrassed me in front of in-laws in Chicago). This year, they’re slightly less than crap. So there!

Where is Vicki Triponey, anyway, and why do you ask?

Even though I haven’t written anything about Vicki in eight years, I just want to see if she’s still one of my loyal readers. If you’re out there, Vicki, please comment below, and bring your friend Mark Emmert. But I digress.

Ahem, yes, who be Rutgers, already?!

Sanguinarians will tell you that the Scarlet Knights haven’t played anyone this year, so they obviously are crappy and unworthy. Besides, Piscataway suuuuuuuuuucks. Our old friend Jim Delany set up a four-way pseudo-rivalry between Maryland, Moo U. Penn State, and Rutgers, so this is a pseudo-rivalry game. (Sanguinarians think our real rivalry is with Ohio State, because we’re their equals, so it must be). Another pseudo-rivarly game is next week’s home game against Moo U for the vaunted Land Grant Trophy. Oy vey! But this… yes this… ahhh the great rivalry with Rutgers evokes memories of Paterno Crossing the Delaware and long winters at Valley Forge. What the hell am I talking about? Another (cue echo chamber and James Earl Jones basso profundo voice-over) GAME OF THE CENNNNTURY!

Oh yeah, the pseudo-rivalry. Sure, Delany, if you say so. But it ain’t one. Even Greg Schiano has acknowledged that. Penn State typically plays down to its Joisey Swamp pseudo-rival, as the Lions did last year. What bullshit that was! Looking past the Scarlet Knights to the great big bowl game with … with… with… Memphis, they was, Cap’n, they sure was, I tellya! Or maybe the crappy play in that game started what would be continued in the first five games of this season: suckage.

All I can say is that my Chicago in-laws were completely unimpressed and asked me why I was hiding out watching the TV when they were eating pizza. Hiding out was appropriate in the circumstances.

Although Penn State won that game 27-6, they played like shit. The offensive line got kicked around all day. Gamblers who were stupid enough to bet on a game with a 40-point spread were either sorely disappointed or made some big bucks on PSU tanking. The slot online games are getting more popular among the gamblers as there are a lot more new varieties these days.

Explosions’ll Killya

James Franklin was at it again with his use of the ridiculous word “explosive” in Tuesday’s media meetup regarding this game. “We need to be more explosive and we need to keep them from making explosive plays.” I’ll give you an explosion, already. This mantra has been going on for too long. ????? ????????? ?? ??? ????? Last year, after the Rutgers game, I wrote:

What the hell is it with this “explosive” bullshit? From time to time, some asshole will come up with a vogue word in the wonderful world of sports jargon, and all the trite-ass vocalizers feel obliged to glom onto it. 888 sport James Franklin is a frequent offender. After the game, he commented, “We weren’t as explosive as we needed to be and probably gave up too many explosive plays.” Translation: “We slept through the first half, our offense sucked big time, and our defense failed to show up until sometime in the third quarter.”—TNT, November 30, 2019

All right, another vacuous, albeit psychotic, digression. But you get the point, even if you do not agree with me. Let’s get back on track, shall we?

So, you say, Yes, Turkey, Rutgers has been putting up some points this year, 185, to be exact, but look at who those points were against!” I’ll ask you, who the hell do you think WE ARE? “Why, forsooth! WE ARE PENN STATE!” Yeah, and Penn State is 1-5 and has allowed oodles of points this year, 197, to be exact, while scoring only 150. The Nittany Lions can run on … on… on Michigan. No one else. WTF? I rest my case.

Say something, willya!?

Come to think of it, I don’t have anything to say about this game. My attitude will be to watch the game (if I can see it through the late fall stormy weather) with an open mind and hope the gamblers are right. I’m too lazy to do any in-depth research, especially if I’m going to be embarrassed as I was last year. The team better be prepared, because Schiano II has a point to prove, and he’ll have his players ready. Can Franklin do the same? Who knows?! So, I’ll launch right into the wrap-up.

Da Wedda

Oh, is this one going to be fun! The AccuWeather^® forecast calls for a high of 47° with winds becoming strong and rain, heavy at times. Winds are predicted to be NNW at 21 mph with gusts to 56. Precipitation probability is 80%. Turnover weather!

At kickoff time, the temp might well be a damp, chilly 45° that feels more like 30° with the aforementioned strong wind gusts. Let us hope that Penn State can establish the running game and hang onto the damn ball, because passing will be perilous in these conditions. Oy vey!

Official Turkey Poop Prediction

So, now, just like the awful offal of its namesake, I shall pull a smelly prediction right out of my cloaca. Penn State is favored by 11 with an over/under of 53. Who knows where that line will go once word regarding the weather leaks out to the gambling public? If you take it as a valid indicator, it suggests that Penn State will win the game 32-21. ??? ???? ??????

For my money, I don’t think Penn State will cover that kind of spread and I do not think they will score that many points, particularly if the weather forecast holds. I’m inclined to believe many of the season’s woes will return, given the noon start, the weather, and being on the road. Oh, how I would love another win, but I have this one as a Rutgers upset: Rutgers 22, Penn State 17. Take the under.

What? You’re unhappy that I did not quote Shakespeare this time? Isn’t one “forsooth” good enough for you? Come on, guys. The quality of mercy is not strain’d. See you after the game with an equally vacuous wrap-up!