Turkey Trot

Back from Chicago to look at Asia and the Scarlet Farts

Avast, me hearties! I hope you didn’t miss me too much during the past week. I see that Penn State destroyed Maryland 30-0 and all is well with the world. Sanguinarians® are rejoicing in advance, as they are “pretty sure” #11 Penn State merits a New Year’s Day appearance. With only two games left against Dumber and Dumb, that’s a pretty safe bet. I’m “pretty sure.”

On Saturday at 3:30, the mighty #11 Penn State Nittany Lions (8-2, 5-2 B10) travel to inhospitable Piscataway to take on the hapless Rutgers Scarlet Fever (4-6, 1-6 B10). Coached by former PSU and Tampa Bay Buccaneers assistant Greg Schiano in his second stint at the New Jersey’s state of confusion university, the only conference win the Red Horsemen were able to pull off was against Indiana, which was their first home win against a Big Ten opponent in about a century.

So, they suck. So, that’s why Penn State must mind its Ps and Qs. You cannot let your guard down at this point. You’d fuck with the Sanguinarians’ minds! They want that New Years Day game! Yeah, like the Capital One Bowl, or whatever the Citrus Bowl is called now. BFD. Might be good to watch them get their comeuppance, but I’ll watch from the comfort of my La-Z-Boy, even though de estadium (locally favored pronunciation) is only twelve miles away.

Last Outings

Penn State must have destroyed Maryland, but I was driving through a null signal area at the time, so I can only listen to the apres-game buzz. On the other hand, I paid no attention to Rutgers losing to Moo U 27-21. I’m thinking that it would have been a gross waste of my time. Emphasis on the “gross” (although I would have been able to see our next two opponents in action — or lack of same).

The two suckage twins played that game pretty evenly. The one missed field goal hurt Rutgers but probably what hurt them the most was an ungodly number of penalties: fourteen penalties for 108 yards. That definitely threw the game to the Spartettes.

Michigan State’s defense was impressive, in that they had three sacks, seven hurries, and six tackles for loss. Nevertheless, Scarlet Knight’s sophomore quarterback Gavin Wimsatt was able to complete 20 of 34 passes for 236 yards and two touchdowns, with no interceptions. So the vaunted Penn State secondary (minus Joey Porter, Jr., who had appendicitis) needs to stay on point, as Manny Diaz’s pressure alone might not be enough. On the other hand…

…there are five fingers.

Da Wedda

Da weddaperson (don’t know which pronoun to use here) says that Saturday in Joisey will be a chilly day with a high of 42 and a low of 23. Some reasonably puffy winds of 10-15 mph will make it feel colder. Only the tiniest percentage possibility of rain, freezing rain, sleet, snow, or any of that northern winter shit is forecast.

Da Bottom Lyin’

Yeah, we’re lyin’ here because I am too lazy to “break down” this game. I’ll give you “break down” already, I’ll give you. All those pseudo-experts on the Internet like to “break down” games. They spend lots of time “breaking down” shit, and they’re just as wrong as this Turkey is. Yeah, I’m a Nittany Lyin’. A Lyin’ Nittany Turkey. Or some such.

Anyway, I digress.

It is time for the Fearless, Feckless, Fablungetta Official Turkey Poop Prognostication, which this foul old fowl pulls straight out of his/her/sheeit/their cloaca.

The spread on this is way the hell out of whack and the money line imbalance is almost two to one. So, hey, the only sport is seeing how Penn State doesn’t cover the spread. What’s the spread? Funny you should ask. It has nothing to do with Rutgers alumna Asia Carrera, pictured above. Alarmingly funny, it is nineteen. What’s the over/under? Equally funny, 45. “FORTY FIVE!” you exclaim? Why …. why … why … um Penn State can score that many in one frickin’ quarter on these clowns! Nonetheless, what would that work out to? Vell, I’ll tellya. that’s about 32-13. Penn State has scored an average of 34 points per game. WooHoo….”explosive” plays! Rutgers has allowed almost 26. No home crowd for this game, so I’m going with Penn State 41, Rutgers 10. Yay, they cover! Take the over.

---

I’ll be back after the game for some more bullshit, if you can take it!