The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Season Finale

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Penn State 35, Moo U. 16

Generational quarterback Sean Clifford went out in a Senior Day blaze of glory, leading the Nittany Lions to a halfway decent 35-16 victory over Michigan State. Penn State finishes the season with ten wins, which won’t be good enough to make the playoffs, where they would get killed anyway. However, they will undoubtedly land a decent bowl game. Meanwhile, owing to this loss, Moo U. will spend the holiday season at home with their families.

Clifford was 19-24 for 202 yards and four touchdowns with no interceptions. He added seven carries for a net zero yards but his long run of eleven yards got us a first down. Keandre Lambert-Smith also threw for a 48 yard touchdown to pad the passing numbers. Lambert-Smith was also the leading receiver with 83 yards on five receptions, producing one touchdown on the receiving end.

The active Moo U. defense gave our much maligned offensive line lots of trouble, recording eight TFLs, three sacks, and four hurries. All this with seven members of the squad suspended and under indictment.

Big Al gets a shout-out for his game prediction, which missed the mark by only one point. This Turkey’s pie-in-the-sky predicted blowout never was in the cards, not even on this perfect football day in Central Pennsylvania.

The Land Grant Trophy is Ours for a Year

And P.J. Mustipher was seen carrying the 76-pound behemoth after the game. It is my hope that he will find a sheet big enough to drape over the grotesque beast so no one will be offended by it for the next year.

Other Action with CFP Implications

As meaningful as this game was to us, more important crap was happening elsewhere in college football, crap with playoff implications. #3 Michigan bitch-slapped #2 Ohio State and will play Purdue for the Big Ten Championship next Saturday. (Ya nevah know — anything can happen). #4 TCU easily handled Iowa State. #5 LSU was taken aback by their loss to 5-7 Texas A&M, as was #8 Clemson at the behest of South Carolina (which has beaten two top 10 teams in two weeks). #9 Oregon lost to Oregon State in the Civil War. #1 Georgia, #6 USC, #7 Alabama, and #10 Tennessee all won.

Surely, Penn State, currently #11, will get sucked up into the vacuum created by the luuuuuuuuusahs downward spiral, placing the Nittany Lions in the Top Ten, for what it’s worth. OK, so it’s arguably worth nothing, because they won’t be in the playoffs and they would be destined for a decent bowl game even if they were on the outside looking in with ten wins and a liberally spending fanbase who “travel well”.

Here’s a mythical Top Ten, straight out of my geriatric avian cloaca:

  1. Georgia (12-0)
  2. Michigan (12-0)
  3. TCU (12-0)
  4. USC (11-1)
  5. OSU (11-1)
  6. Alabama (10-2)
  7. Tennessee (10-2)
  8. Penn State (10-2)
  9. Washington (10-2, assuming they win tonight)
  10. Clemson (10-2)

One more game…

Georgia must still play LSU for the SEC championship; Clemson must play North Carolina for the ACC; and TCU will play Kansas State for the Big Twelve. As I mentioned, Michigan will play Purdue for the Big Ten. The Pac-12, now that’s a little more interesting. USC will play either Oregon (if Washington State wins the Apple Cup later tonight) or Utah, if the Huskies win.

Where’s It Going?

Folks, this could get interesting. Imagine the possibilities! Given all the unexpected losses we’ve seen in the past couple of weeks, it is good that Penn State, OSU, Alabama, and Tennessee are sitting on their collective keisters next week watching the carnage. If you don’t play, you can’t lose. Soooooo, have you dusted off the old abacus to determine how Penn State can still make it into the playoffs, you simple-minded Sanguinarian?

Start with the somewhat unlikely event that Georgia gets knocked off by LSU, then Michigan loses to Purdue, and TCU bows to K-State. Better make sure USC loses, too. That COULD have the effect of sucking OSU, Alabama, Tennessee, and Penn State into the playoffs, couldn’t it? Maybe? Yeah, right. Dream on!

Who, then, already? You’re boring me!

TCU would still have but one loss, so in the stupid scenario described above, they and Michigan would both be 12-1, while USC would be 11-2 and the other, non-playing wannabes are all 10-2. There would be room for just two wannabes, and this Turkey feels that the chosen ones would be either OSU and USC or Alabama and USC. Why not OSU and Alabama? Damned if I know. I’m making this shit up as I go along. And Georgia. Yeah, they would need to be there. Shit!

As I write this, Washington State leads Washington 24-21 in the second quarter of a real barn-burner, for what that’s worth. Lotta football to be played there, yet, still.

Anyway, I’ll shut up now because my predictions always suck and besides, I’m getting bored with this premature postseason speculation. So, I’ll leave it to you scenario-writers for now. I’m happy that Penn State finished the regular season 10-2, but what does it mean when they haven’t beaten a single Top 25 team?

I’ll be back sometime after next weekend’s frivolity. At least I hope so. I’m scheduled for a colonoscopy on Friday, so you never know.

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Comments

  1. Big Al says

    The Kitties have only two bowl options: It’s either the Cotton Bowl against the winner of the AAC championship game (probably your old employer) or the Citrus Bowl against either South Carolina or Ole Miss. Personally, I’d rather see them play in the Citrus since it would a give us a better idea about whether they’re really a top 12 team. Beating UCF wouldn’t be much different than beating Purdue and Minnesota who are State’s only “signature” wins this year.

    Based on the O line’s performance against Moo U, I’d say Penn State really belongs somewhere between #16 and #20. I realize they had to play a lot of back-ups against Sparty, but injuries are part of the game and the Kitties simply don’t have enough strength or depth in the O line to be considered a top 10 team.

    Good luck with your colonoscopy. The “procedure” is pretty easy but the preparation really sucks since Medicare refused to pay for the “easy prep”. I hope you like drinking gallons of clear Gatorade.

    • The Nittany Turkey says

      I’m torn between the potential bowls you mentioned. On the on hand, facing UCF would generate local excitement, so the partying will be good. I sure as hell wouldn’t go to Dallas to see that game, so local celebrating must suffice. I agree that the South Carolina option would “prove” more, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it would prove what we already know and what the Sanguinarians won’t admit. Disregarding the early victory against a shitty Auburn team, Penn State won’t be competitive in most matchups with SEC teams. This isn’t 1994.

      I doubt that I would travel the 12 miles to the Citrus Bowl or Camping World or whatever the hell it is called now. Since I don’t drink anymore, I won’t be able to careen 20 rows down the aisle, as I did in the 1998 game against UF. That was entertaining, albeit somewhat disconcerting, for those who had accompanied me. From what I remember, the local chapter of the Alumni Association put on a helluva tailgate, and we lost the game, but I didn’t care.

      However, I’ve got to opine that all this bowl specificity is premature. While I don’t expect Michigan to lose to Purdue, I am officially on upset alert regarding TCU. I fully expect K-State to beat their ass. I think there’s a chance that Georgia will lose to LSU, small as it might be. Clemson – UNC? I doubt that UNC can pull the upset, but who the hell knows? I’m “pretty sure” that USC will beat the Utes. So, anyway, will any of these games affect PSU’s potential bowl bids? My head spins, so I’ll shitcan the speculation and wait for next weekend’s results.

      I’m here to tell you that I am no strangers to colonoscopies, having endured perhaps six of the in the past. At one point I was doing them every two years because of polyposis, but I’ve reverted to the five-year schedule for the last three of these wonderful hose-jobs. This time, owing to the gastritis and suspected diverticulitis that landed me in the hospital in Rocky Mount, NC, as an unexpected encounter with local culture on one of our aborted summer road trips, I am doing both ends: an upper endoscopy and the butt reaming. According to my gastroenterologist, the CT scan they did at the hospital was worthless without using oral contrast, and couldn’t redo it the right way because Medicare would never approve another scan so soon. So, instead of irradiation, it will be the hose.

      And yeah, I got the polyethylene glycol crap, but my experience with it has been good in the past. I tolerate it well, and I don’t even bother flavoring it. Back in the old days with the colorectal surgeon, I used Phospho-Soda, which I thought did the job quite well. My wife, who is not yet Medicare age, used the cholera pills for her two colonoscopies, and she sang its praise. Not an option for us old farts, unless we want to pay through the nose for something that shoots out our ass.

      —TNT

  2. Big Al says

    Penn State’s NY6 fate will probably come down to whether LSU defeats Georgia in the SEC championship game. Assuming LSU loses, then the 12 NY6 teams will be: Georgia, Michigan, TCU, USC, Ohio State, Alabama,Tennessee, the UCF/Tulane winner, the Clemson/UNC winner, Washington or Utah if it beats USC. Kansas State, and finally Penn State. Also, in the unlikely event that Purdue manages to beat Michigan, PS is screwed and will drop to the Citrus.

    State could go to the Rose Bowl if Utah beats USC. That would open the door for either Alabama or Ohio State making the playoffs. If Alabama makes the playoffs, the Rose might not want a rematch of last year’s game and the Buckeyes could wind up in the Orange Bowl. If Ohio State makes the playoffs and Michigan beats Purdue, then the Kitties are guaranteed a spot in the Rose,

    Michigan, Georgia, and TCU are in the playoffs even if they lose their conference championship games. However, if either Michigan OR Georgia lose in the conference championship, Penn State drops to the Citrus.