Flashes in the Pan

Kent State (0-3) at #10 Penn State (2-0)

The game is set for 3:30 kickoff at Beaver Stadium on Saturday, the same time as #18 Michigan vs. #11 USC, among several other more interesting games.

It is hard to believe that Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame linebacker Jack Lambert ever played for Kent State. The Pro Football Hall of Fame recognized him in 1990 as “the greatest linebacker of his era”. Lambert played at Kent State from 1971 to 1973. There, his teammates were Nick Saban and Gary Pinkel. So, what does that have to do with anything?

Well, sheeit, it was one way to motivate myself to write something this week. With the prospect of a meaningless game with a less than meaningless team, what the hell can I say other than, “Don’t blow it like you did with Bowling Green!” There is no upside to this game, only potential pitfalls.

Consider Kent State’s achievements this year, which include losing to St. Francis (currently in last place in the Northeast Conference), a Division I-AA (FCS) school who had never before beaten an FBS opponent. The Red Flash beat the Golden Flash 23-17, a victory sandwiched between losses to Dayton and conference opponent, Central Connecticut. Another momentous effort took place last week as Kent trailed #6 Tennessee 65-0 at halftime. They went on to lose 71-0, with the tacit application of the nonexistent Mercy Rule, probably the insertion of the third-string cheerleading squad after the intermission.

Cause for Boredom

ESPN Senior Writer Ryan McGee writes a column called “The Bottom Ten.” Guess which team is listed as the worst overall this week? You got it!

McGee commented, “We heard from so many angry loyal subjects of the State of Kent last week that we thought we were at a Renaissance Faire. Were they throwing tomatoes and casting witches’ spells our way because their beloved brethren were in the Bottom 10? Nay! They were hotter than a, well, Golden Flash, because last week they were — in the words of a Twitter/X user who I believe was named @YesJackLambertActuallyPlayedHere — “What do we have to do to prove to you morons that we are the worst team in football?” Turns out, trailing Tennessee 65-0 at the half was enough to do the trick.”

So, given all that very strong support for the Golden Flashes, is it any wonder that I am at a loss for words? Dumbfounded, with a B. Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I.

Let’s look at anything other than specifics for these teams, because I can no longer focus. Covid and the fog of the Bowling Green game have left me devoid of the ability for now. Plus, I have a natural tendency to look beyond this week to the loss against Illinois next week, assuming they beat Nebraska as I expect them to do tomorrow night. So what, pray tell, will we look at?

Distinguished Alumnus

Although he dropped out, Don King attended Kent State. The flamboyant boxing promoter is now 93, but still promoting fighters. Notoriously among his famous clients were Muhammad Ali, Larry Holmes, Tim Witherspoon, Mike Tyson, and Terry Norris, all of whom sued King. I find the subject of Don King about as distasteful as his erstwhile university, so I’ll move on to another distracting subject. I’m bored again.

Da Wedda

And so, the next subject that avoids discussing the two teams that will compete on Saturday, is the weather. Saturday’s AccuWeather forecast reads like this: “Sun giving way to clouds; fog in the morning, then a shower; there can be a rumble of thunder; a lightning delay cannot be ruled out at the game.” Oh yeah? Not a repeat of the WVU game! Please! Let us get this one over with quickly. By all rights, it should be over by halftime, so if lightning threatens after that, just call it.

The high is shown as 76F, with a 45% chance of rain. Beaver Stadium will likely have lots of empty seats to watch the empty suits on the field. Weather will not be a factor unless it causes a delay as mentioned by AccuWeather. In that case, hundreds of people may perish from boredom and from the riot that develops when all 200 fans attempt to exit Beaver Stadium at once.

Da Bottom Line

Having said nothing thus far, it is time for that weekly feature, the veritable climax of this column, entitled The Official Turkey Poop Prognostication, that unscientific, baseless prediction confidently posited by this foul fowl. Yea, verily, we pull ’em straight out of our ass here (aka our cloaca).

The spread on this game is a ridiculous seven touchdowns. Yeah, it’s Penn State minus 49, with an over/under of 55.5, which doesn’t give the Golden Flashes much of even a flash in the pan, equating to a predicted score of 53-3. Is our vaunted defense really going to give up that field goal?

I know that you who worship at the Temple of St. Joe would never admit that it is appropriate for the Nittany Lions to run up the score, but there are two good reasons for doing so here: 1) because they can, and 2) because they dropped two rungs on the poll ladder in the aftermath of the Bowling Green non-spread-covering fiasco, even though they didn’t play. On the other hand, arguing against myself while adopting the position that PSU will NOT run up the score, we have the convenient ability to hang our hat on the old maxim, “You can never go broke betting on Penn State not covering the spread.”

So, for my money (or lack of same), we’re looking at Penn State 47, Kent 6, and take the under (unless the Lions’ defense really sucks, in which case Kent could score 13). Penn State leads 7-6 at halftime.

I’ll be back after the game to provide my disinterested post-game observations and assorted retching and burping.