The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Archives for 2024

MI

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Penn State 26, Minnesota 25

The title of this post suggests that it is about Michigan, right? MI is the USPS abbreviation for that state. What else could it be? So, I’m stupid and I think “MI” is an abbreviation for Minnesota? Nope. That ain’t it. “MI” stands for myocardial infarction. I stole its use as a chapter title from the late American author and Pennsylvania native from Shillington, John Updike. He employed it as a cannily ambiguous chapter title in “Rabbit at Rest”, which he wrote in 1990. This Pulitzer Prize winner was the final element in his “Rabbit” series, the first of which was published in 1960. But I digress.

Suffice to say that the Heart Attack Kids were at it again this week, letting an underestimated, determined opponent jump out to an early lead. The Minnesota lead persisted into the second half. But as scary as this game was to those whose lives hinge on Penn State reaching the CFP playoffs, it was one of the most entertaining Penn State games this Turkey has watched in sixty years of Nittany Lions fanhood.

Something for Everyone

It truly offered something for everyone, with more byzantine plot twists and turns than a British murder mystery. The Penn State punting and kicking game provided unexpected thrills in the first half. First, a Riley Thompson punt from the end zone was partially blocked, giving Minnesota a short field and enabling them to score on a crazy-ass double-reverse flea-flicker from Max Brosmer to Jameson Geers. Then, Penn State came back with a six-play touchdown drive that should have tied the game at 17-17. But Ryan Barker’s extra-point try was blocked and recovered by Ethan Robinson. He ran it 97 yards untouched for a two-point defensive conversion. That made the score 19-16 in favor of Minnesota going into the locker room at halftime.

By the way, that Nittany Lion touchdown drive had another entertaining aspect. A phantom pass interference call that turned an incompletion into a decent gain and a first down. Many looks at replays revealed that Allar’s pass was well out of bounds and therefore, uncatchable. Also, the interaction between the defender and the intended target, Harrison Wallace III, was negligible. We Penn State fans, knowing that we needed all the help we could get in this close encounter of the shitty kind, accepted the gift from the officiating crew.

Second Half Thrills

The second half would provide more thrills, chills, and spills, but in the end, Penn State snatched victories from the hungry jaws of defeat, showing the strength of character they have displayed in coming from behind in several games this season. That is the attitude and commitment level of champions, and it is what is necessary to progress in the playoffs. Against a very tough and determined Golden Gopher defense, they pulled it out, even effectively managing the clock on the stifling final drive.

Highs and Lows

Good Work, Tyler (as usual)

Minnesota head coach P.J. Fleck told the media, “We did everything we could do to shut down Tyler Warren, but he still got 102 yards.” The Minnesota game plan involved nullifying Warren on offense and Abdul Carter on defense. Drew Allar had a quietly competent day and was instrumental in the victory by converting three fourth downs on the game sealing drive. The Nittany Lions as a team committed no turnovers while forcing Minnesota QB Max Brosmer to turn the ball over twice, once on an interception and once on a fumble.

Innovative Play Calling (when they work, you look like a genius)

The fake punt was great. Boy, was it ever great!

How Low Can You Go?

On the other hand, the Nittany Lions were absolute shit cakes and molasses candy on third down attempts, converting one of eleven. That is 9% for those of you who are mathematically challenged. Absolutely putrid, with all due respect to a staunch and well-prepared Gopher defense. We got to see another talent of Tyler Warren’s when he rescued Penn State from a ridiculously busted fourth down play with an equally ridiculous 16-yard punt. And then, there was the blocked PAT for a defensive two-pointer. According to James Franklin, the blocking at the line of scrimmage deviated from their standard schema to allow the block for unexplained reasons.

Put The Gopher Clamps on Carter

Minnesota was effective at nullifying Abdul Carter, who wound up with only three tackles (one solo) the entire day. However, he was instrumental in preventing a late touchdown that could have won the game for the Boat Rowers. He popped outside to cover a behemoth would-be receiver on a tackle eligible play he sniffed out. The ball sailed harmlessly incomplete, and Minnesota settled for three. This left them a point behind with almost six minutes to go. Fortunately, they never got the ball back.

Always Take PSU’s Opponent and the Points?

Here again, we have an example of Penn State not covering the spread, which was seen at levels as high as 12.5 but settled down to 11 at game time.

Report Card

You know I don’t do stupid “report card” cliche crap. So, I’ll just use this space to bitch about others who use that tired old convention. Produce some new material, schmuckos! LEARN TO WRITE readable prose, so you do not need to use gimmicks, I implore you! Relax, I’m just playing with ya.

Governor’s Victory Bell Trophy

The pretty Governor’s Victory Bell Trophy, awarded to the winner of the Penn State-Minnesota game, which is not played every year, is now in Penn State hands. Unfortunately, so is the abominable Land Grant Trophy, which goes to whoever is unlucky enough to win the Penn State-Michigan State game. We’re stuck with that gigantic piece of George Perles-designed moose shit until the next time Moo U. beats us. Looking at the Spartans this year, that could be the Twelfth of Never. Another digression? Typical. Par for the course here, as you know. So, let’s move along.

So, Now What?

Well, one last game, the Senior Day home game against Maryland (4-7, 1-7 Big Ten), who suck. In that game, Penn State will try to avoid injuries but still come out with a win to secure a spot in the College Football Playoffs. I hereby request that there be no widow makers present and no “dullard looks” in evidence. The scheduled 3:30 PM kickoff should help with that, but only God knows what the weather will be like.

And, oh yeah, with Indiana having been clobbered by tOSU, if the latter should happen to lose to MI next weekend, it will create another MI scenario. Penn State will then play Oregon in the Big Ten Championship in Indianapolis, unless Washington pulls off a huge upset against the Ducks in the Border War. Wouldn’t THAT be cool? Not only one more game for PSU in the playoffs, but also an extra watching opportunity for us fans at the Big Ten Championship. Fun times!

But hold your horses. Gotta beat the Twerps first. Yep, go 1-0 this week. Uh huh.

While laying low as we turkeys must do around this perilous time of year that sees the mindless slaughter and birdicide of many of our hokie brethren, I’ll be back mid-week to deliver my assessment of the mighty Maryland Terrapins.

Row Your Damn Boat, Already!

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#4 Penn State (9-1, 6-1 Big Ten) at Minnesota (6-4, 4-3)

Minnesota Golden Gophers

This game is for all the marbles. That is, if there are any marbles in the Governors’ Victory Bell Trophy, presently in the trophy case at the All-Sports Museum at Beaver Stadium. If the Nittany Lions play well, Minnesota will be rowing its P.J. Fleck rowboat, while Penn State roars past with trophy in hand in its twin-diesel yacht. But this is a crazy dangerous game for PSU, especially if they slack off. The Gophers are deceptive, with a decent quarterback and one more serviceable wide receiver than what Penn State has, which is zero.

The Golden Rodents are coming off a tragic loss to Rutgers (5-4, 2-4), 26-19, in Piscataway. Before that, they handled Illinois, Maryland, UCLA, and USC, but lost to Michigan and Iowa. Rutgers held Minnesota to 35 yards rushing. Although the Scarlet Knights allowed 262 yards passing, they concentrated on covering senior wide receiver Daniel Jackson, one of the best out there (he ranks 6th in the conference).

The historical (and sometimes hysterical) record between the two combatants is tilted in Penn State’s favor 10-6. On Gopher turf, which is torn up with perilous holes and burrows, the teams have split 4-4. Minnesota has won some memorable games in the series, including the 2000 upset that heralded the onset of The Dark Years [cue minor-key cello].

What Dem Gophers Got

Senior Quarterback Max Brosmer is among the better quarterbacks Penn State has faced this year, ranked 8th best passer in the conference, a notch below Drew Allar. Although Jackson is his best receiver, he spreads the ball around to his secondary targets, who rate “not too bad”.

The Gopher ground game? Well, it sucks. You would think that ground-dwelling rodents would know how to handle stuff on the turf, but nooooooooooo. Minnesota is next-to-last in the Big Ten, averaging only 104.7 yards per game. They rely on two running backs, sophomore Darius Taylor and senior Marcus Major, who average 74.7 and 27.2 yards per game, respectively. Rutgers held Taylor to 28 and Major to 9.

How about the Boat-Rowers’ offensive line, you ask? Not so good, I say. We already covered their run support, but their pass protection is putrid, having given up 23 sacks this year. Brosmer’s ass must be pretty sore by this time.

Defensively, Minnesota shines brighter than many Nittany Lions opponents thus far, ranking fifth in the conference after tOSU, Indiana, and Oregon. The Rodents are in company there, and overall in the FBS, Gopher total defense ranks #11. They’re 34th in rushing defense and 17th in passing yards allowed, squarely between Penn State and Indiana. They also are tied for 7th in the FBS in turnover margin, averaging +1.2 per game (compared to Penn State’s +0.3).

In that connection there lies one great big caveat for the Penn State offense. Minnesota ranks 4th in the FBS and best in the Big Ten in passes intercepted. They have snagged 16 so far this year with 207 return yards. Their best secondary vacuum cleaner is freshman DB Koi Perich (named after two fishes), with five interceptions this year.

The kicking and punting situation is about the same for both teams. The Gophers use a familiar (albeit fishy) name, Koi Perich, for punt returns, and his numbers are as good as Nick Singleton’s in that role.

The Nittany Turkey’s Lame Keys to the Game for PSU

  1. Start strong and lead the race wire-to-wire
  2. Pressure Brosmer continually. He should be seeing #11 and #33 in his nightmares.
  3. Nullify Jackson either through double coverage or by cheating.
  4. Hear this, Drew Allar: No picks!
  5. Don’t look past this game thinking you’re already in the playoffs.

Da Wedda

Looks like a warming trend is in store for Minneapolis with a forecast high of 37 and a low of 32. A shitty-looking fall day is in store, with 98% cloud cover. Winds will be from the northeast at 4 with gusts to 10. Only a 12% chance of precipitation, which at those temperatures would be white. Kickoff is at 3:30 PM EST/2:30 CST. Sunset in the Twin Cities is at 4:37 CST. Accordingly, some of the second half will be played under the lights. The moon will be a waning crescent. Thus, there is no danger of a super-moon mooning the Gophers, as it did with Purdue. Both teams know how to play in cold weather — advantage no one.

Da Bottomus Linus

I thought I would sound smart if I wrote that heading in made-up Latin. Most of us clowns who write about football try to sound smart by endlessly reciting second-hand statistics, but I already did that above. I’m stalling, I know.

As I write this, the spread is Penn State – 12.5, with an over/under of 45.5, which suggests a final score of 29-17, PSU on top. The Nittany Lions do not need to play a perfect game, just a competent one, avoiding risky passes against the boat-rowing interceptors. Minnesota is capable of scoring points, too, so a good start is essential to avert one of those too close for comfort heart attack specials. I’m picking Penn State to go 1-0 this week but I also think they will make one stupid mistake that will cause it to be closer than it should have been. Penn State 31, Minnesota 24. They’re not covering the spread, and I’ll take the over.

I’m thinking that I covered it all, so don’t sue me if I left something out. It’s my birthday and I can do whatever I want. I will be back with you to pay penance for my egregious errors and omissions after the game.

Weekly Mounjaro Update: Week 24

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I’m sitting here awaiting my new refrigerator. Just got a call from Jesse the delivery guy. The unit it replaces died last Thursday of old age, and the soonest* I could get a replacement delivered was today, Monday. I’ve got to tell you, man, you don’t know how much you rely on a modern convenience until it goes away. But that will soon be rectumfied.

Mounjaro to the rescue!

WTF, you ask? I’ll tell you how Mounjaro rescued me from no-fridge hell. A couple of months ago, I purchased a dorm-sized fridge for storing Mounjaro because I was ordering twelve-weeks’ supply at a time from my PBM. I did not want to clutter up the primary food storage locker with drug boxes. So, I installed the little thing in my upstairs ham shack and electronics lab. Locating the device next door to my office provides convenient cold drink access, although it curtails the exercise I get running up and down stairs. In the context of my main refrigerator’s outage, I am fortunate that my prescient auxiliary larder purchase provided adequate cold storage to give me some weekend food variety.

I’ll keep the update brief this week, so we won’t have any opinionated editorials. But before reporting the week’s results, I cover a couple of miscellaneous personal topics.

Annual Physical Exam Blood Work

My annual physical exam is scheduled with Dr. DeLorean (not his real name) for November 26. I’ll have blood drawn for several tests in advance of that appointment. Among those scheduled are HbA1c, complete blood count, and comprehensive metabolic panel, to which I have added a self-ordered fasting insulin. I will report my progress on relevant markers next week in this space.

Physical Therapy Progress?

I have been undergoing physical therapy for lumbar spine issues. This week, we will be wrapping up that treatment with a full session on Tuesday and a progress review on Friday. I believe the therapy, coupled with daily home exercises, has done some good, although my back pain has not decreased. Looking at my MRI at our initial assessment, the therapist told me what she could and couldn’t do. There were more “couldn’ts” than “coulds”. Furthermore, a new issue cropped up just as I started PT, a nerve inflammation in my right thigh, called meralgia paraesthetica. To be fair, the PT was not directed at this issue, which could be related to the spine problems. Although I can live with its pain and tingling, I would like to find a solution.

My next step is to see a physiatrist (physical medicine and rehab doctor) on December 9. My hope is to fix as much as possible without surgery, although many of the problems with my spine suggest its need. Like anyone, I am reluctant to go under the knife, more so because I had cervical spine fusion in 2007, which did not work out too well. I will fill you in on my progress if and when anything happens one way or another.

Returning to Exercise

My physical therapist asked that I suspend weight training while she did her Cruella de Ville routine. I miss working out and want to get back into it, so I hope that I’ll get clearance at Friday’s assessment. In anticipation, I have asked the exercise physiologist at the same rehab where I get my PT if I can re-join her wellness program. She will give me an exercise capability assessment and, for a low, low monthly fee, I’ll have access to the PT training facilities. I had been a member prior to the COVID fiasco, hitting the gym three times a week mainly for resistance training. I dropped it when all the pandemic bullshit was going down.

So, my hope is that while my back is assessed six ways to Sunday, I can get my sorry ass back in shape. I hope my rapid weight loss has not caused too much depletion of muscle mass, a peril associated with Mounjaro, particularly for old farts like me. I want to preserve as much sinew as I can, trying to keep protein intake at a decent level to help with the process.

Mounjaro Update

This was a chaotic week, so my progress was not terrific. According to Stelo, a CGM that doesn’t want to call itself a CGM because, I suppose, it measures blood glucose at discrete intervals, my average glucose for the week was 103 mg/dL (5.71 mmol/L). This equates to an HbA1c of 5.2% (33 mmol/mol), which is my target. However, I am not happy with my morning glucose, which hovered around 100 mg/dL (5.56 mmol/L). I’d like that value to stay well under 100 (5.56).

I lost about 2.4 pounds (1.1 kg) during the week. That’s not healthy. As I’ve mentioned (ad nauseam), weight loss is desirable, but I’ve already lost too much, too fast (about 50 lbs (22.7 kg) in twenty-four weeks. I’m now at 195 lbs (88.6 kg, or 13 st 13). My primary goal is glucose control, and after that comes preservation of muscle mass. A distant third on the list at this juncture is weight loss.

That will do ‘er for this week. Now, it’s time to fill up that new refrigerator. I’ll be back with you next week for the next instalment in the continuing saga of As the Turkey Turns.

*With apologies to Professor Amar Mukherjee, former Chair of Computer Science at UCF, who once prohibited the use of the word “soonest” in any internal departmental correspondence to my eternal bemusement, may he rest in peace.