Photos by K. John
Our on-the-scene reporter, K. John, reports that despite the rain, the Kinnick Stadium field was not covered.
Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
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Posted on Written by The Nittany Turkey
Posted on Written by The Nittany Turkey
Yeah, I’m kidding. Seems like there’s another “game of the century” every two weeks or so. However, despite the nonsensical early season rankings, this pseudo-grudge match lines up two Big Ten opponents who have somehow floated into the Top Four. I don’t expect either to end the season anywhere near this lofty perch.
Both have strong defenses, positive turnover ratios, good special teams, and good coaching. (Shaddup, Franklin haters!). On the other hand, both have suspect offenses.
Penn State has certainly struggled getting its running game in gear behind an offensive line that does an excellent job of pass blocking but gets no push on the run, continually landing in the bottom quintile of NCAA rankings in rushing offense. Iowa is right there, too. averaging 126 yards per game. On the other hand, Penn State’s total yardage output has been stellar compared to Iowa’s, the latter averaging only 320 total yards per game.
Both teams reek at third down conversions, where Iowa ranks 89th and Penn State is right behind them at 91st. Two half-assed offenses meet in Kinnick Stadium on Saturday, where there will be a big game atmosphere, but folks, these offensive numbers do not portend well for big game production.
Two half-assed offenses against two stifling defenses. Iowa ranks second nationally in scoring defense, allowing 11.6 points per game. Penn State is right behind them at #3, allowing 12. Iowa has the better rushing defense, allowing an average of 87 yards per game, while Penn State allows 111.6. The Hawkeyes rank 27th in passing yards allowed at 184.4 per game, which is better than PSU’s 202.6. The biggest disparity when comparing defenses is Iowa’s putrid red zone defense, which allows opponents to score 90% of the time once inside the 20. In this category, Penn State ranks second in the nation, getting torched only 53% of the time.
Iowa has three defensive touchdowns this year in five games, two on pick sixes and one on a fumble recovery. Penn State has one. In overall turnover margin, Iowa leads the nation with a margin of twelve through five games. Penn State’s is half that. Iowa also leads the nation in pass interceptions, picking the ball off twelve times in five games, five more than PSU. However, Penn State has yet to play Maryland, who pumped up Iowa’s numbers significantly.
The picture should be clear at this point. These two might both be over-ranked, with similar strengths and weaknesses, and a slight advantage to Iowa, as the above diatribe plus the national rankings suggest. Alas, there is a helluva gap between the SEC powerhouses at #1 and #2 and the rest of the football world.
It well might. Running low percentage plays against an opportunistic defense that sucks up interceptions like a gigantic shop vac is a formula for failure. If Penn State digs too deep a hole, there will be no digging out. This game will go to the side with fewer mistakes or whoever gets lucky with big plays. Sanguinarian bubble-bursting alert: it might end here!
Although Penn State ran for over two hundred yards last weekend against Indiana, they were unsuccessful when attempting to run up the gut. I cannot say enough about establishing the run and keeping the defense up so those long, “explosive” plays are enabled. It looks like it won’t happen this year, though. The damn sportswriters undoubtedly considered this when they leapfrogged Iowa over Penn State. And James Franklin was frankly frank about it in all frankness. Forsooth! At his presser, he described the flaw in the 2021 Nittany Lions that needs the most work: the ability to sustain drives (suggesting that Time of Possession is not “increasingly irrelevant” after all).
Franklin spoke about working on time of possession to give the defense a break. In a puntfest with Iowa, three-and-outs in our own territory will be problematical. If I see Franklin calling a fourth-and-one running play from Penn State territory, I’ll still accuse him of balls over brains, but will he pull that out against the Iowa defense? In any case, recognition of one’s ailments is the first step toward curing them. Let’s hope he’s serious.
Kirk Ferentz is the wise old owl of Iowa football and of Big Ten coaching. His teams might win ugly, but they play sound football with few errors. Thing is, though, James Franklin has repeatedly failed the test in games against ranked opponents, especially on the road. Seven road losses to ranked teams versus one win (Northwestern in 2017) give the Franklin detractors something to hang their hat on with their predictions that PSU will be outcoached in this game.
We’ll see.
This Turkey being a non-Sanguinarian realist, I feel that the Lions must perform flawlessly in a hostile, raucous, big-game environment to win this one. Tall order for the visitors.
Saturday is shaping up to be a fine, Native American Indigenous Summer Day in Iowa City, even a little hot, with a high of 85, which is about where it should be at game time.
Yeah, so the Official Turkey Poop Prediction is between a rock and a hard place this week. Our buddies from Iowa are in similar straits. Anyone who tells you definitively how this game is going to go is a lyin’ sumbitch.
So, this Turkey being in a quandary, I’m looking toward the gamblers for guidance. The spread is Iowa – 2. Why, that’s barely home field advantage, painting the two teams as pretty much dead even. The over/under at Caesar’s is 41. This works out to a break-even at Iowa 22, Penn State 19. Do you see this as a lower scoring game? I do. I like the under and I like Iowa winning 16-14.
(I’ll be back maybe probably around Sunday with sparkling commentary about the game ex post facto).
Posted on Written by The Nittany Turkey
This post will give you an idea of what to expect from Tesla if you order one of their cars, from on-line ordering through delivery. While Tesla produces some excellent technologically advanced motor vehicles, the customer experience leaves much to be desired. Hoping to save some of you readers the exasperation I dealt with, I want to let you know what to anticipate. By the time you read this, I hope that Tesla gets the message and you can tell me I am all wet.
Ordering is simple. There are few options, and everything is fixed price with no negotiation bullshit like the typical dealer experience. You order your car, and you are given a projected delivery window, which in my case was October 4 – 24. I was able to get my Model Y Performance Edition on September 30, which I’ll explain below. If you order now, depending on which model you choose, delivery windows are currently (as of October 3, 2021) being scheduled out to March or April of 2022. Yes, I got lucky.
I received a call from the local Tesla store on the afternoon of September 29 stating that a new Tesla Model Y Performance edition with the same configuration as the one I had ordered was available because the original buyer decided not to go through with the purchase. The sales associate, who I’ll call Joe Blow, told me that the buyer “had insulted [him]”. I asked what the buyer did. The response was odd, as I didn’t consider it an insult, just ordinary purchasing tactics (which don’t work with Tesla). The buyer ordered the trailer hitch but didn’t want to pay for it. That’s an insult?
September 30 is the end of the calendar quarter. If you know anything about purchasing cars, that’s when good deals can be had, as it is a sales reporting period for shareholders, salesmen’s commissions, and so forth. In Tesla’s case, they’re interested in the end-of-quarter numbers, but as I’ve mentioned, they don’t do deals. So, I was getting early ownership of a car I had expected sometime the following month. While on the phone, I made a delivery appointment for 5 PM with the associate.
Thus, I’m doing Tesla and Joe Blow a favor. What can they do for me? Having to arrange financing in one day and getting them their money requires a lot of work. Nevertheless, I paid in full by the morning of the 30th. I asked the associate whether they could install my HomeLink (which, alas, is an extra cost item you must order separately and you cannot self-install) while I finished whatever paperwork was necessary. The answer was no. I suggested that they owed me a bottle of scotch or something for my trouble in helping them meet their sales goals.
When you order a Tesla, you review the paperwork online and accept it. That’s very cool. When you have a nice, new car waiting for you, you don’t want to be sitting in some dingy office reviewing and signing paper. Big plus for Tesla in that area. I reviewed and accepted half a dozen documents. While I was doing so, I noticed that my appointment had been moved to 4 PM from 5 PM, but no one had personally communicated that change to me. Not a big deal.
A friend who is also a Tesla owner offered me a ride to the Tesla store, which I gladly accepted. Arriving on time for the delivery experience, my friend and I saw my new car parked in one of the customer delivery slots, so we could inspect its exterior before going in to see the sales associate. As you might have heard about Tesla, many new vehicles have issues with fit and finish, so with that in mind we discovered that one rear door needed adjustment.
Inside the lobby, I noted that the furnishings and decorations were spartan to the point of being unwelcoming, unlike the usual auto dealership experience, where they try to make you comfortable while they extract your wallet. Tesla doesn’t see the need for that, I suppose, and they also give their solar power sales desk a prominent place in the lobby. Back in the service waiting room, there are few amenities and the upholstery on the chairs is ratty and needs to be replaced.
We walked up to the guy at the desk who was looking down at a laptop with stickers all over its shell. I told him who I was and who I was there to see at 4 PM. Turned out to the be the guy I was talking to. He cracked a couple jokes about the bottle of scotch I wanted, saying that is what his boss drinks and some other nonsense. I wanted to get on with the delivery. So he said he would get the keys set up.
Tesla’s “key” for the Model Y is a plastic card. They just must program the car’s ID into the card, much like a hotel programs your key card for the room. My friend and I went outside to wait by the car for the guy with the keys, because who the hell wants to hang out in that crappy lobby for any length of time? We waited. And waited. And waited. Steam was coming out of my ears. Enough of that was enough.
We went back inside and were glad-handed by another employee asking if we had been taken care of. Showing my pique, I said, “No. I’m here for a delivery. Joe Blow (again, not his real name) was supposed to be getting me the keys and he disappeared into the back room. Did he die?” She directed us to sit and wait for him. I wasn’t going to sit in that place. We stood and waited.
Shortly thereafter, Joe Blow emerged, cracking jokes as usual, saying his boss and he got a laugh out of my question about whether he died. I said, “You aren’t dead so you must have been on vacation,” as we walked out the front door. More jokes, for which I was in no mood. “What the hell is so f________g funny?!?!?” I asked. “I got here at 4 PM and you’ve been farting around for 20 minutes.”
I proceeded to show Joe Blow the door issue we had found. He said he would have the service people take care of it. More delays as he took the car back to service. We went back inside the barn to not melt in the 90-degree Florida sun. That’s when I noticed how crappy the service waiting room is.
About 15 minutes later, he came back with the car, handed me the keys, and said, “All you have to do is sign off on the delivery and you can get in your new Tesla and drive away.” I asked if I could do that with the app on my phone. “No, you have to do it on the website.” We’re standing outside with the sun glaring on my phone screen and he wants me to navigate to the Tesla site with a web browser? I was already annoyed, so I said, “Just bring me something to sign!”
He did. I signed it. And then he went back inside. Whaaaaaaat?
Having purchased many cars during my lifetime, the one thing I have come to expect is an orientation to the features and systems in the vehicle as the salesman sends the happy customer on his or her way. Some people need more of this than others, but it is a good customer experience touch, and it is a suitable time to cement the relationship between the customer and the dealership. The salesman usually leaves his card and, whether sincere or not, says, “Call me with any questions you might have.” Tesla gave me none of that.
With Tesla — at least with my local Tesla store — there was no such experience. “Here’s your keys.” That was it. Fortunately, I needs no orientation, as I had watched nine million YouTube videos and read the entire owner’s manual long before accepting delivery. But it was not even offered. What if I was a new Tesla customer (which I am) who had absolutely no idea of how a Tesla works?
I got the distinct impression that Joe Blow was more intent on making jokes back in the office than creating a smooth and pleasant customer experience. The old Bahamian saying that the fish must stink from the head on down certainly applies here, so I’ll assume that Tesla needs a company-wide customer experience manager who might straighten out these brusque and arrogant local operatives, in time. Smoothing out the delivery and communication experience should be the first order of business.
You know, I did them a favor, in return for which I was made to wait and then pushed out the door without so much as a thank you. But wait — there’s more!
I drove home with my friend following. I love this car! While all the delivery nonsense cannot be forgiven, in time the shitty delivery experience will fade into a distant memory, albeit one I will recount to prospective Tesla owners. Yeah, the joy of a new car can heal many customer relations wounds. Ahhh, but the screwups did not end when I left the lot. There was one more thing…
Having pulled the car into my garage, I wanted to charge it. I have a J1772 power delivery unit in the garage, which I purchased in anticipation of owning an EV. I looked in all the storage areas of my new Model Y. Wait, what!!?!? No charging cable and no J1772 adapter, which were both included in the car deal! I blew my cork. “Now I must return to that damn place in 5 PM traffic to pick up something they left off?!?!?!?”
My friend, who owns a Model 3, offered me his adapter, and further offered to stop by the Tesla store on his way home to pick up the charging kit. I’m grateful to have such a generous friend, who I would be seeing the following Saturday, when I would pick up the kit and return his adapter. However, if my ire over the earlier delivery experience had been softening in the exhilarating wake of driving a new car, it just developed a further hard edge. From a customer relations angle, Tesla sure suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!
In recent months, Tesla has “cheaped out” in a few areas. They eliminated the referral program for new car buyers, who previously would get 1,000 free supercharger miles as would their referrer. They also eliminated the adjustable lumbar support on the front passenger seat of the Model Y because they said their data suggested that it wasn’t being used frequently. They do not include a SiriusXM radio in Model 3s and Model Ys, and it is an extra cost option on Model Ss and Model Xs. And what’s with the HomeLink option requiring a separate order and installation?
Tesla needs to work on their customer experience. They get a lot of latitude from their “save the planet” cult-based customer base, but if they are wanting to expand beyond the geeks and the tree-huggers, they’ll have to do better. Some of us old farts have a limited tolerance for bullshit.