The “hater” cows sporting misspelled sandwich boards must have been hired by Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee to drum up business in support of “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day” on Wednesday. While the side benefits for the cows are obvious, Chik-fil-A also had record setting sales on CFAAD. Mooooooooo!

“How many chickens do you think would be required to tip a cow?”    —TNT

Ostensibly, the Huckabee campaign was organized in support of Dan Cathy, president of Chick-fil-A, who made the unfortunate mistake of taking his religion seriously and making public statements regarding his view of marriage, prompting a major outcry from the whining left over his “hatred” and “fear” of homosexuality. In doing so, of course, as is typical of the left, the protesters who came out of the proverbial woodwork expressed the same type of intolerance they ascribed to Chatty Cathy. While that was not the real reason behind Chick-fil-A appreciation day, as always, it served to gin up the lunatic fringe, which muttered vague threats about holding a “Kiss-In” at Chick-fil-A restaurants.

This major threat is disturbing. I don’t want to see couples making out in a restaurant where I’m eating, unless they’re in a discrete booth in a dark corner in a romantic restaurant (in other words, where I was known to partake of that practice when I was a tender and callow fellow). Who the hell cares if they’re straight, gay, or carnal bestialists? — I still don’t want to have to see two whatevers sticking their tongues down each others’ throats and groping each other while I’m eating. On the other hand, if the instrument of protest were to be a peck on the cheek, I wouldn’t be put off at all. I wouldn’t even notice.

Have a look at the scenery at both “Kiss-In” and Appreciation Day.

In this age of labels and binary identity politics, you’re instantly a “racist” if you oppose President Obama, for example, and you’re instantly guilty of a “hate crime” if you believe that marriage is the union of a man and a woman. And the beat goes on. I’m a “child molester” if I admit to being a Penn State fan. If you’re not with us, you’re against us. Hah! The real world is much more complex, with many more shades of gray (>50) than the simpletons who cast these slurs can possibly understand.

The campaigning Obama held that marriage was a union of a man and a woman, so he committed a hate crime. Now, he is waffling against his own pronouncement, therefore he is a racist.

Freedom of speech, thought, press, and religion are not “hate crimes” or “racism” if people say, think, print, or believe things different from you without violating your self-perceived “rights”. Do you have the “right” to marry your same-sex partner? There’s no such “right”. You cannot create an unalienable “right” by inventing it yourself. You do have the right to speak up about it — just as much of a right as anyone has to speak against it.

I saw a news photo of a woman with a protest placard outside a Chick-fil-A, which read “The 1st Amendment does NOT include denying rights of others!” What does that mean? By speaking one’s mind, someone is denying rights? Hell, these hypocritical protesters once again show themselves to be everything they hate! “Shaddup, Cathy! You can’t say that!” Oh, yes he can! If it is a hate crime to define marriage as one individual believes it should be, then it must work both ways. If you get to say what marriage should be, lovely protester, then Cathy does, too.

When the first amendment is en prise, we’re in deep, ideologically totalitarian shit. If you cannot debate intelligently and fully understand both sides of an argument, then STFU and go hurl your egocentric ad hominem insults at each other! You deserve each other! I’m tired of this bullshit where everyone who has a differing opinion is a hater or a racist or some other absolutist slur. It’s like Jenny’s kids yelling at each other.

“You’re a fatass!”
“You dress like a hoe!”
“You’re a dumbass!”

Grow up, people! Most of you have fully developed cerebral cortexes. Other people have different views from yours. Get over it! What a dull-ass world it would be if we all thought alike about everything.

Let me state my position more succinctly as it relates to the Chick-fil-A molehill:

• I neither oppose nor do I support same-sex marriage
• I reserve the right to express my opinions if and when they arise
• I respect your right to express your opinion, unless you express it as immutable fact
• Anyone who calls me a “hater” or a “racist” because I feel differently about something is a hypocrite who doesn’t want to take the time to understand my reasons — thus deserving of a similarly pre-emptive label (or better yet, deserving to be completely ignored)
• People are people, whether gay, straight, or buy (the only way they can get laid is to buy it) — they all start out at zero and either earn my respect or my scorn depending on their actions toward me
• I fear only those people who pose a direct threat to me. Your being homosexual, trans-gender, or whatever delights you sexually does not represent either a direct or indirect hazard to me unless you wave them in my face with accompanying express or implied threats. In any case, do not label me as a “homophobe” just because I might disagree with some radical parts of your “gay rights” or “LGBT rights” agenda.

Anyhow, Chik-fil-A’s statement on the fiasco follows in a press release from July 31, 2012:

Chick-fil-A is a family-owned and family-led company serving the communities in which it operates. From the day Truett Cathy started the company, he began applying biblically-based principles to managing his business.

The Chick-fil-A culture and service tradition in our restaurants is to treat every person with honor, dignity and respect —regardless of their belief, race, creed, sexual orientation or gender. We will continue this tradition in the over 1,600 Restaurants run by independent Owner/Operators. Going forward, our intent is to leave the policy debate over same-sex marriage to the government and political arena.

Our mission is simple: to serve great food, provide genuine hospitality and have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A.

Amen. If you have a problem with Chik-fil-A’s management philosophy, don’t eat there! But if I want to eat there, stay the hell out of my way! If you directly interfere with my access to the restaurant, the whole bunch of you are conducting an illegal boycott in violation of the Sherman Anti-Trust Act. Otherwise, I don’t care what you do as long as you keep it peaceful.

But I digress…

This post is not about the quasi-political brouhaha this Turkey has wasted so many column inches on thus far. I digressed into that subject because it had been bothering me. No, this old Turkey wants to write about a far more consequential and seamier subject than who gets to marry whom.

This foul old fowl finds that the hatred of those fat, ugly, illiterate bovines is too much to take. They attempt to camouflage their hate by proffering an innocuous dietarioeconomic message about dining choices favoring poultry over beef. They don’t fool me. Being poultry myself, this Turkey sees through their supposedly innocuous message. Hah! Those damn signs should read “Kil Mor Chikin” — that is, if you want them to keep on spelling like the dumbass, illiterate heifers that they are.

I cannot believe that the chicken killers at Chik-fil-A actually pay those fatass mooers to ply their hateful wares. And both parties are actually proud of it. Check out what I found on the Chik-fil-A website:

On July 13, 2012, Chick-fil-A will once again honor the “Eat Mor Chikin” Cows on Cow Appreciation Day, an unofficial, yet nationally recognized holiday. As part of the promotion, anyone who visits any of the chain’s restaurants dressed as a cow on Cow Appreciation Day receives a free Chick-fil-A Meal.

Promoting a culture of hatred, I tell you!

And another thing. At least chickens have the decency to wear feathers in public. What do those damn cows think they are, PETA protesters? They’re udderly exposed for all to see. Shuck those sandwich boards and they’re buck bull naked. This is civil disobedience gone too far. It inflames my wattles.

This controversy has gone too far. I urge you to lay off the chicken, no matter where you choose to exhibit your gluttonous ornithophobia. Don’t let the hating cows turn you into haters, too. There’s no other way to describe one who takes sides with an ornithophobe — ipso facto she or he is nothing but a miserable, hating ornithophobe. QED.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the hatred from the bovineophilic right provoked a hateful response in kind from poultry all around the world. How many chickens do you think would be required to tip a cow?

Your birdbrained Turkey ain’t so dumb after all. I want all those live chickens on my side this fall and winter when the haters come knocking on my door for their dose of holiday poultry bashing. There is strength in numbers! Chickens and turkeys unite! Geese and little Cornish game hens, too! Solidarity, fellow poultry! Hooray for our kind!

Stop! People, what’s that sound? Everybody look what’s going down…

Paranoia strikes deep. Into many lives it has crept. Whether it is hater cows trying to steer (pun intended) you toward chicken or same-sex marriagophiles trying to bamboozle you into thinking that such unions are a basic right, this Turkey urges you to avert your eyes, engage your brains, and think about both sides of the issue. Do we kill cows or chickens? Do we preserve marriage as it is or change its definition? Is there no compromise in between poles? Once again, think. Open your mind to both sides of the argument.

The unfortunate thing is that closed-minded cows aren’t going away anytime soon. Neither are chickens bent on reprisals. They both have a right to represent their cause.

Not unlike some of the protesters, we all need to heartily proclaim, “Fish is my dish!”