The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Sudden Impact: The Aftermath

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With most of us well into the acceptance phase of dealing with the reality that Penn State’s 2013 football team is mediocre, I thought I would revive Sudden Impact to take a look around the Internet for some decent articles on the Nittany Lions’ current status and future prospects. I have selected a couple of pretty rational assessments, with which you might or might not agree. You’ll also find some very good material in the comments to my previous post, where my six astute readers have posted some very keen observations and opinions.

Tom Bradley
Tom Bradley

The first point I want to hit upon is the idiotic undercurrent being bandied about by the less-than-cognoscenti, the St. Joe loyalists with blinders on: Bring Back Bradley. BBB is the stupidest, most misguided pie in the sky notion I’ve ever caught wind of in the sports world, even eclipsing the desire by desperate, misguided fans exhorting the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars to sign Tim Tebow at QB. They’re thinking with their hearts or other body parts, brains excepted. I enumerated reasons for my assessment that this is insanity in my comments to the previous post, but I’ll reproduce them here. Please curtail this lunacy!

  1. Why the hell would he ever want to return?
  2. Why the hell would O’Brien ever want him to return?
  3. People are, as usual, seeking a quick fix, a panacea — like going to Mexico in desperation for a non-FDA approved snake oil remedy for their terminal cancer. Scrap ain’t going to walk in, wave his staff, and make an awful defense anything better than the pile of offal it is.
  4. He wasn’t all that great a DC, IMHO. Never did produce a decent secondary. Was loaded with talent in the front seven, though, and we can’t say that about this team.
  5. Why bring back pieces of the contentious past? It won’t reincarnate St. Joe.
  6. The Sandusky/Bradley defensive schemes are antiquated in today’s game.
  7. Aside from all that, Scrap is a nice guy, the players love him, the alumni love him, and he deserves a warm spot in all of our hearts — but not on the sidelines.

The people who are seeking this nonsense are probably all conducting séances where they channel St. Joe and receive guidance from Him. “Hire Scrap. He’s a good kid. Good football player, too. Listen to me. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about, fer cryin’ out loud!” These are people who waste many hours fretting over how to get the Paterno statue restored to its former place of glory and his wins restored in the record book, people who would rather live in the past than to accept the penuriously personnelled present and the promise of the future, people who also think the Penn State Board of Trustees should be replaced by single-minded St. Joe loyalists who somehow know how to run a major university but whose major function will be the statue and the record.

My vitriol over the what Jethro Tull aptly titled Living in the Past notwithstanding (and not abating), I’ll move on.

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I’ve selected two articles from the veritable plethora of post-mortems following the Indiana game. I’m avoiding the obvious jokers, Flounder and Jones, because I wanted some fresh thoughts that truly reflect the state of the 2013 Nittany Lions and the import of this past weekend.

“O’Brien will never say it, but this also leads into how he must make do with questionable skill at center, right tackle, fullback, defensive end, linebacker and cornerback.” —Frank Bodani, York Daily Record

The first is a relatively brief piece entitled “Reality has arrived for undermanned Nittany Lions” by long-time Penn State football beat reporter Frank Bodani of the York Daily Record. Bodani succinctly addresses leadership problems, lack of depth, and an overall shortage of decent talent.

If Bodani’s calm rationality doesn’t bring the Sanguinarians back down to Earth, perhaps they need to change their prescriptions for happy pills. On the other hand, our next author hits us between the eyes with a two-by-four.

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Frequent contributor Joe Z. (who represents himself as just Joe in the comments, but I didn’t want you to think that I was holding séances where I sat around with a crystal ball channeling St. Joe) pointed me to a cogent piece in BSD by Cari Greene called “It’s Not the End of the World.” She offers not only a dose of reality, but also an admonishment to behave like Penn Staters, not assholes. Well, she doesn’t couch it in my profane style, so it is all the more effective. Apparently she sat next to some pro-PSU idiots in Bloomington who were hurling insults at our players and anyone else they could blame for their sorrows.

Green started out wanting to write about her experience at the game but changed her mind, writing a piece that puts the Indiana loss in perspective.

“This loss definitely sucks. But it’s nowhere near the end of the world; nor is it the worst loss in PSU history, of the 2013 season, or even, in my opinion, the worst loss in the still-fledgling Bill O’Brien era at Penn State (all arguments I’ve seen be made, whether hyperbolic or with true intentions).”

She doesn’t sugar coat anything, recognizing that there are lots of problems, but she attempts to reel in those of us at the extremes.

“I’ve heard calls for BOB to step down, for Butler to be fired for perceived ineptitude in defensive play. Two names I haven’t seen on the “FIUR HIM!” list, though, are Larry Johnson Sr and Ron Vanderlinden—and I’d argue that their units on defense have been the most underperforming and surprising (in a bad way) squads on the field—but apparently, they’ve gotten more of a benefit of the doubt. It’s highly unlikely that they’ve forgotten all of a sudden how to coach, after all—but apparently it’s easy for us to say that everyone else has.”

Wow! She said a mouthful and the LJ/Vanderlinden part of it is something I’ve harped on. These guys aren’t necessarily as good as many think they are. Yeah, LJ is loved by the players, and Vanderlinden coached some pretty damn good LBs, but let’s face it — they’re there to appease alumni, to provide a bridge to the past. They have to be a compromise for a DC, even a bad DC, who is stuck with them. It can’t be easy for Butler to be told that two key assistants are untouchables, even if their ideas are not compatible with his. Know what I mean?

Too many St. Joe loyalists do exactly what Greene states — think all the new coaches are idiots but these two vestiges of the good old days (or bad old days) are geniuses. I stated at the beginning of the season that it was time to retire LJ, Sr. Although I didn’t say anything about Vanderlinden, he has served his function and it is probably time for him to get the résumés out there.

Greene exhorts us to face the reality that Hackenberg is a freshman, so he still plays like one, but his future potential is bright.

“I choose to look forward. To see that Christian Hackenberg is learning, to expect the team (and coaching staff) to learn from their mistakes, move past these growing pains and get better, even minutely, week by week and, more importantly, year by year.”

Now, look, guys. Don’t just write this off because Cari Greene is a babe. She happens to be right about much of this stuff. I know that many Sanguinarians are also male Chauvinist pigs. C’mon, guys, make me proud. I want your comments, except those that discredit Greene’s thoughts because she never wore a jockstrap.

While some of this stuff she writes about is pretty obvious, given a couple of days to shake off the humiliation of a blowout loss, it’s still worth reading. I hope that you’re all getting back to normal out there.

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Potpourri: Colin Kaepernick has the top-selling jersey on NFLShop.com. Peyton Manning’s is second.

Also, in the NFL world, the Oakland Raiders have released demoted quarterback Matt Flynn. This solidifies former Nittany Lions Matt McGloin’s position as backup to almost Penn Stater Terrelle Pryor, who had a helluva good night last night against San Diego. Flynn started and bombed out in Week 3, after which he was demoted to third-string and McGloin moved up. I’m thinking that Buffalo, who have lost their starting and backup quarterbacks to injuries, might be a viable destination for Flynn.

******

I’ll be back later in the week with my preview and prediction for the big Homecoming game with the Wolverines.

Crappy Coaching’ll Kill Ya

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Yeah, the bloom is off that wild Irish rose, Bill O’Brien, especially after not having learned his lesson in the Kent State game. Once again in this game, he steered away from the run, putting the game on the shoulders of a freshman quarterback who is not ready to carry the load to obviate an inept and porous defense. In the end, the Hoosiers executed a well conceived game plan almost to perfection, winning going away 44-24.

There will be great celebrations in Bloomington tonight, as indeed there should be, as this is the first time ever the Hoosiers have beaten the mighty (albeit fading) Nittany Lions. Ever.

The only consistency we saw was Hackenberg’s being consistently off the mark through much of the game, although a couple of completions to Allen Robinson and Richie Anderson were pleasing to watch. Hacky wound up 30-55, indicating the extent to which pass happy O’Brien used the aerial assault. The kid’s got skills, but he’s being counted on to bail out an entire team and its coaches, which would be a helluva chore for Brett Favre, let alone a true freshman. As the season wears on, he seemingly gets more and more rattled in the pocket. It would help a lot if he had an offensive line in front of him.

There is indeed a leadership gap on this team, one I have been squawking about all year. Eventually, Hackenberg will be the man, but right now there is no “the man.” Leadership is needed on the field on both sides of the ball to get the team through rough spots — like two false starts in a row as the offense backed up toward its own goal line — but when the presumed leader is as spooked as everyone else, it has an amplified negative effect. When “the man” is scared, everybody is scared.

The few bright spots for this turkey were watching Allen Robinson and Zach Zwinak. Robinson had 12 receptions for 173 yards and two touchdowns. He’s like magic on the field. ZZ had only 17 carries for a total of 72 yards. While the Indiana defense worked hard on shutting down the run,  Zwinak still managed to look good. Belton didn’t.

The big problem on offense was that O’Brien apparently lacked the patience to stick to the game plan this turkey prescribed to him — namely, run the ball down their throats and set up some decent passing opportunities while controlling the ball and the clock. He seemed to do the opposite, abandoning fundamentals to play with his toy quarterback, putting him on the spot continually. Indiana’s defense put pressure on him throughout the game, further rattling him, culminating in a fumble in the end zone for a safety.

On the positive side, the offense was 11-22 on third down, not great, but a lot better than the 20% heretofore. On the negative side, they were 1-5 on fourth down, including one coaching call that would get lesser men fired.

Who knows what O’Brien had in his mind going for that fourth down. I characterized the call as more balls than brains. We in The Cave had already concluded that O’Brien was merely trying to draw an offside penalty when the offense lined up on fourth and two at their own 33. Wait! No shit! Hackenberg just took the snap! WTF??? Forty-two seconds later, Indiana scored, thanks to a failed conversion gifting them a very short field.

Our vaunted defense got torched for 486 yards. They looked out of sync all day, and couldn’t tackle worth a shit. I counted only one sack of Sudafed (ok, ok, Sudfeld), who was 23-38 for 321 yards, 2 TDs, and 1 INT. Rushing defense was porous, too. Coleman had 20 rushes for 92 yards and a touchdown. The only good thing I have to say about defense is about Indiana’s. It’s better than we thought, and that guy Bennett #24 is potential NFL material.

And special teams? Well, Butterworth punted a little better, but he can’t hold worth a shit.

I don’t want to write about this anymore. I  would rather read your thoughts.

Ineptitude’ll kill ya.

Penn State vs. Nativeamericaniana

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We must be politically correct, says the NCAA, so I’ve changed the name of Penn State’s opponent from the very offensive Indian-a to the PC version, Nativeamericaniana. I feel better now. And while no one knows just what the hell a Hoosier is, I’m sure just from the sound of it that it must be offensive to someone, so I guess I have to call them the Whodats, just to be safe. But I digress (already).

Indiana Hoosiers Logo.svg

The Penn State Nittany Lions (3-1, 0-0 Big Ten) kick off their B1G season on the road in Bloomington, where they face the up-and-coming Nativeamericaniana Whodats (2-2, 0-0 Big Ten), who actually have been putting some people in the seats of Memorial Stadium of late.

My right hand still hurts from the fractured second metacarpal, so I’m going to give up the politically correct moniker, for now, anyway. It’s just too much to have to type. I’m irritating the fracture, already, but probably not as much as I’m irritating you!

The IU logo looks like the Greek letter psi, the first letter of the Greek root for psyche, psychology, etc. When you consider that both Lee Corso and Bob Knight are former IU coaches, it is clear that the psi represents psycho! 

(“In Rome, they spoke Latin or Greek, which I’m pretty sure are the same thing.” —Zane, who at the time of utterance was the 10 year-old son of Artificially Sweetened, but who now, approaching 12, is in the process of being disowned due to attitudinal issues in middle school, but once again, I irrelevantly digress.)

In any case, we have commissioned the famous cupcake baker, Aliya Kumquat, to provide her specialty items for the purpose of honoring our opponents, as is our tradition at the gatherings at The Cave and Mike’s Garage. Each cupcake will be red velvet cake with icing bearing the IU logo. At the end of the day, if we could figure out just what the hell a Hoosier is, maybe we could incorporate one into the food plan.

And now, the b.s…

Both schools are coming off a bye week. Indiana’s last game was a 45-28 barn burner loss to Mizzou, while Penn State had an easy time of it, shutting out Kent State 34-zip.

Citing statistics’ll kill ya*

IU brings an offense that looks great statistically, ranking 8th in passing yards, 49th in rushing yards, and 11th in points scored. However, who the hell have they played? One good way to pump up stats is to play Indiana State and ring up 73 points. Things will get a little tougher now that the conference schedule has arrived, even if the B1G does suck as a whole.

The IU defense hasn’t exactly been the Steel Curtain, you know. They’ve allowed 32.8 points per game, and yeah, that’s with Indiana State on the schedule (even ISU scored 35 on ’em).

Statistically, the Penn State defense looks better, having allowed an average of 14.5 points per game, which ranks 13th in the nation. However, for every Indiana State, there is an Eastern Michigan or a Kent State, so while I think Penn State has the better defense, it’s still too early to tell. The only halfway decent team they faced was UCF (who cheated, but since everybody cheats, it evens out), and they scored 35. So this game might or might not tell us something we’ve been wanting to know about the Penn State defense. We still don’t know whether Indiana’s offense is any good.

Quarterbacks’ll kill ya

But still, they stretch the field. Freshman quarterback Nate Sudfeld is presently the second best quarterback in the B1G, having passed for 1,100+ yards through four games. Erstwhile double threat sophomore quarterback Tre Roberson, who broke his leg early last year and received a medical red-shirt, is available for action, too. He has played an excellent second fiddle role in each game this season, scoring three touchdowns. In 2012’s 45-22 victory over the Who-siers, the Nittany Lions didn’t see either of those two; nevertheless, the quarterback of the day, Cam Coffman torched the PSU secondary with a 33-59, 454 yard performance, albeit suffering two interceptions. This here old birdbrain thinks that no matter who shows up at QB, Penn State’s secondary is exploitable, particularly if the front seven’s pass rush is unremarkable (as it was against UCF, cheating notwithstanding). Ryan Keiser is out, which could mean that the secondary is going to suck worse.

This is liable to be a shoot-out, kinda like last year. Last year, PSU ran the ball 44 times against what they considered to be a weak rushing defense. This year, Indiana ranks #115 in rushing defense, giving up 247 ypg, while they rank #37 in pass efficiency defense. Yeah, I’m betting that we see a lot of the rushing triumvirate of Zwinak, Belton, and Lynch. Keep the damn ball away from Indiana’s offense, and that means convert some damn third downs for a change, for cryin’ out loud (as St. Joe would say unless he knew no outsiders were listening). However, unless it rains again, O’Brien would be wise to let Hackenberg continue to work on his game, airing it out to his plethora of talented receivers to support the running game. Just don’t screw up, kid!  (Lousy memory flashback from that Brick Dick game.)

On special teams, shhhhhh, Kickin’ Sam Ficken has sneakily become tops in the B1G. Shhhh. But there’s trouble in River City, because Alex Butterworth still suggggggggggs and Indiana has a decent punt return game. Although this should be a game with very few Penn State punts, I wouldn’t be surprised if a punt return led to an Indiana touchdown.

Turnovers’ll kill ya

Penn State is down in the deep, dark, dank, dusty dungeon of despair as regards turnover average with a -0.8 for the season thus far. Not good. Indiana is a -0.5 — not substantially better. Unless both teams suddenly clean up their acts, add some sloppiness to the stew.

Screwing up on third down’ll kill ya

How’s the great PSU quest for being worst in the FBS in third-down conversions? Well, hey, they’re slipping — at 21.2%, they’re now only fourth worst, with FIU, South Florida, and Miami of Ohio at the bottom of the heap. So much for the best offense in the B1G. Actually, the Nittany Lions’ opponents, Indiana are tied for 23rd in this category, converting third downs a respectable 50% of the time against defenses just as questionable as those Penn State has played against.

Weather’ll kill ya

The weather promises to be steamy Native American summer weather in Indiana, with a predicted high of 84°F/29°C, with a possible thunderstorm. If you don’t like Indiana weather, you know what they say. Wait 15 minutes and it will change. Of course, they say that everywhere about their weather, except maybe Antarctica, where you have to wait six months. Tropical Storm Karen is no threat to this game or to Indiana in general, so I don’t even know why I mentioned her. When’s the last time Indiana actually had a tropical storm? I don’t know. But the actual, real weather should only affect the big guys, who might wither a bit in the heat in the second half.

Who’s Who of the Who-siers

Kari Byron at Comicon 2010 crop.jpg
Kari Byron

Last year we featured Dallas Mavericks owner and Internet billionaire Mark Cuban as an IU alumnus of note. This year, we present two individuals who have made their marks in different ways.

Our first honoree, Jared Fogle, who once wore size 62 pants, made his mark magically losing a significant amount of weight by eating Subway sandwiches and then becoming the 190 lb poster boy for Subway’s claim that their crap is healthful. Among his distinguished accomplishments as Subway spokesman was speaking at the grand opening of the first Kosher Subway, in Cleveland. Oy! they’re shakin’ in Shaker Heights, already! Additionally, in 2002, Fogle was the subject of the Jared Has Aides episode of South Park.

Our second featured IU alumnus is Jamie Hyneman, world-renowned special effects (FX) guru on every 14 year-old’s favorite Discovery Channel TV show, Mythbusters. While most watch the show to gawk at every geek’s favorite redhead, Kari Byron, Jamie’s quiet leadership and propensity for blowing stuff up is an attraction in itself. I include Kari as the picture for this section because neither Fogle nor Hyneman are worth looking at. Kari graduated magna cum laude with a B.A. in film and sculpture from San Francisco State University. She has no connection to Indiana University. So what?

When push comes to shove…

Here we go with the section you’ve been waiting for: The Official Turkey Poop Prognostication. How’s the Turkey doing thus far? Pretty damn close to perfect: 4-0 straight up, 4-0 against the spread, and 3-1 on the over/under. Still, I must present the following disclaimer: I pull these straight out of my ass, so if you gamble and lose your ass, mine ain’t responsible! Got it? Good. Now, let’s see what we kind of damn fool prognostication I can make for this week. You know, Indiana has never beaten Penn State. This week, the betting cognoscenti have set this game as pretty close, with Penn State favored by a field goal. The over/under at the time I’m scratching this out is 65. This suggests a shoot-out, as previously mentioned, ending up 34-31 in favor of the Nittany Lions. Absent a thunderstorm drenching the field, this turkey doesn’t think that’s enough scoring. Do you? I don’t, either. But they’ve got to convert third downs and quit coughing up the oblate spheroid, already, damnit! Another potential stumbling block would be a rogue game plan that didn’t exploit Indiana’s weaknesses, because they’re going to put up points. I think O’Brien might be able to reel himself in for this one. Penn State 48, Indiana 34. Take the damn over!

 I’ll be back soon to tell you how well I did, or I’ll shut up if I didn’t do well in predicting this game. No, I won’t. You know me better than that. I take my lumps if I bring them on. Only the scorekeepers I pay off know any different.

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*What’s this “kill ya” crap all about, you ask? Well, I’m channeling Howard Cosell this past couple of weeks. Howard used to castigate his Monday Night Football broadcasting partners for their verbal ineptitude, particularly Frank Gifford and Dandy Don Meredith. Gifford was the guy who would vacuously intersperse vapid vagarisms such as “penalties’ll kill ya” or “turnovers’ll kill ya” into his inarticulate commentary.

One of my other favorite passages in Cosell’s books refers to short-lived MNF broadcasting partner O.J. Simpson, about whom Howard wrote, “I thought that a stint on Monday Night Football would improve Simpson’s diction. It didn’t.”

Speaking of sports, this is Turkey Cosell…