Dear Coach Paterno,

At the risk of touching a stubborn nerve and causing a total geriatric brain reception shutdown, we implore you to turn your starting quarterback loose against Michigan. In doing so you’ll surprise the hell out of your friend Lloyd Carr, and what could be better than a “gotcha” when he’s expecting the same old tired game plan that he’s seen during the past eight straight times he’s beaten you. Hell, think about it, Coach—this could be more fun than cracking a new bottle of Tennessee sour mash on a Sunday night!

Imagine the shocked look on Ol’ Lloyd’s face when on the first play from scrimmage Morelli wings one 50 yards to Deon Butler for a first down inside the Michigan 30. And on the very next play, Morelli hits Quarless in the middle of the field on a quick timing pattern while Shawn Crable whiffs on his attempted sack. The play goes for a quick score and Kelly hits the PAT. Carr will be shitting in his pants! Tears will be streaming down our faces! This is gonna be fun, Coach!

Morelli is a senior and if you don’t trust him now you never will. Remember the Kerry Collins days, when you finally let KC do his thing—how much fun was that? Wouldn’t it be great fun to see what happens on Saturday when you hand the ball to Morelli and say, “Let ‘er rip, son! We’ve locked Jay up for the day.”

Spread the field and go vertical on them. Look at what Oregon did. You’ve reviewed the tapes over and over. Oregon did not beat the Wolverines by pounding the ball up the gut. Woody and Bo are watching from above, and you’re going to teach them a thing or two about flexibility. Your old mentor, Rip, is up there watching, too. Three yards and a cloud of dust? That’s so…so…1965! This is the new millennium. Open it up, Coach! The most suspect element of the Michigan defense is the secondary. So, let’s tear it up!

We think that the element of surprise should be a major component of the game plan for Saturday, and that doesn’t mean the typical insertion of one slow developing trick play involving Derrick Williams that a quick defense will smoke out in milliseconds. It means implementing a revolutionary game plan that is completely out of character, taking chances early, and cashing in before Lloyd and the boys even know what the hell hit them. It’ll be a helluva lot better than would digging a hole for ourselves and not having enough time or the wherewithal to climb out of it in the second half.

You’ve seen it yourself. In the first three games, the running game could not get on track in the first half. Behind a feeble offensive line, the happy-footed Austin Scott couldn’t even run against FIU and Notre Dame. Against Buffalo, he fumbled twice, losing the ball both times. We cannot afford to experiment with an inept rushing offense in the Michigan game. If we screw up, we lose. Austin Scott can be blocking pass rushers while Morelli goes downtown.

So please, Coach Paterno, do it our way this time and surprise us all. You might even want to give your friend Joe Tiller a call to find out how to grease up a quarterback’s elbow so he can throw 60 times a game. You’ve got four or five great receivers who have been begging for the ball. Morelli can get it to them. You just have to say the word.

We love ya, Joe, you old fart. Now, please do this our way. Just give us two seconds of your time! Please do not put Morelli in a straitjacket. Let him fly freeeee as a bird. Your fans in the nut house want you to win in the Big House. And we’re behind you all the way! (Watch the hell out!)

You da man!

Your Concerned Fans
c/o Florida State Institution for the Criminally Insane
Cuckooview Acres
3311 Baker Act Boulevard, Suite 2000
P.O. Box 2005-2725
Chattahoochee, Florida 31710-2724

P.S.

We’ll let you go back to doing it your way for the Temple game.