Do whut, Buford? How?

Hint: We gotta beat tOSU.

A friend, who shall be known here only as zbeard, has graciously but unknowingly provided an analysis of the tediuous Big Ten championship tie-breaker rules, which admit a slim possibility of a PSU coup, given a lot of help from others, a few favorable breaks, a blue moon, and something about donkeys being able to fly. This is taken from an e-mail, reprinted without permission (but who says I need any):

OSU (4-0) & Michigan(4-0) are currently in the driver’s seat. If they win out, their final game will settle the Big 10 championship. Ill(3-2) & PSU(3-2) have very outside chances. Purdue(2-2) & Wisconsin(2-2) also have outside chances. For PSU to win, we have to win out which puts one loss on OSU. OSU has to win at Michigan but lose one other game (home vs Wisconsin & Illinois). Michigan has to lose to OSU and one other game (home vs Minnesota, away vs MSU & Wisconsin). That scenario results in a 3 way tie and nulls the 1st tiebreaker which is one team beating the other two and the 2nd tiebreaker (2 teams defeated the 3rd). The 3rd tiebreaker hurts both Michigan and OSU since they played a FCS (formerly Div 1-AA) and PSU gets the nod. Big Ten tiebreaker has full details.

Oy, my head hurts! Nevertheless, thanks for the fine techno-pigskin analysis, zbeard, unwittingly provided to this blog though it might be. I would have never had the patience to wade through all that stuff myself. However, you’ve gotta stop putting two spaces after each period. That stuff went out with Mrs. Abrams’ sixth grade typing class. (I took the liberty of fixing it for this electronic medium, and Mrs. Abrams retired in 1972.)

Hey, speaking of pigskin, we don’t hear that term much anymore, do we? What’s the deal there? Have the political correctness police expunged yet another innocuous term from our everyday vocabulary? Are we catering to Muslim sensitivities again? Or is PETA behind it? YEAH, that’s it—PETA! That single-mindedly perverted bunch of bellicose, pomeranian-hugging weenies screw everything up for everybody! Especially Michael Vick. Former All-Star NBA power forward and future governor of Alabama Charles Barkley once said, “Animals are good for two things: eatin’ and wearin’.” And if God didn’t want us to eat animals, then why did He make them out of meat? Never mind. It’s a rhetorical question. But I digress. You will not find censorship of the word pigskin here! My Jewish grandmother made me promise that I would wash my hands after playing with that thing and that I would never, ever bring it into her house. Yeah, I meant the damn football! Pigskin, pigskin, pigskin! Take that, PETA, and I better not catch you wearing leather shoes!

Oh, yeah. Back to our Rose Bowl chances. To simplify zbeard’s analysis, I can break it down to two possible scenarios: slim and none. That’s succinct. Terse, even. Now, don’t get me started on at-large BCS bids. That ain’t gonna happen, either. Too many good SEC and PAC-10 teams running around. Forget the BCS this year, folks. Or call your lawyers and try to find some loopholes in the legalese. The Nittany Lions ain’t going to be able to play their way into the BCS. Not this year.

They’ve turned over the pigskin too many times.

(zbeard is is real name, you know—and, yes, he writes it in Italics.)