The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Home Archives for Simon Cowell

Simon, in Rare Form, Boots Syesha

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Last night on an American Idol show that Simon Cowell proclaimed the weirdest of all, the droll judge told Syesha Mercado that she would be leaving us tonight.

I have to concur—not because she sang poorly, but because she was in the bottom two last week after delivering what was arguably the best job of the week, and certainly the best dressed. If the prepubescent girls who comprise the lion’s share of the voting populace are not behind Syesha, she will be a loser no matter how well she does (and looks) on the stage.

You have to believe that Jason Castro will survive another week for the same reason. The teeny-boppers like his dreadlocks, and there ya go. His singing was pure crap on Tuesday night, which I likened to an imprompty college dorm sing-along on a Friday night attended by losers who couldn’t get laid. Bring your guitar and let’s jam, man. Yeah, and wonder why you can’t get laid.

Well, Jason could, but his groupies are of an age group that would land him in jail if he did.

Speaking of jail bait, young David Archuleta is boring my ass more and more each week. He sings everything the same, and while his voice is great and powerful and he hits all the right notes, there’s more to being an entertainer than that. Nevertheless, his fan base is strong, albeit not yet hormonal. He’ll be in there at the end, as everybody has been predicting all along.

Dear Brookie was her usual weird self and she deserves to go, but as we noted last week, she has a large fan base of her own. She was a nanny, so it is natural for little rich kids to want to vote for her, as they would all like to have her instead of their own sadistic nannies.

Finally, David Cook, who is this Turkey’s favorite, might have a rough time of it because he appeals to an older crowd. That would be the 13-21 year-old group. However, we expect him to share the stage at the Kodak Theater on the final night this season.

To recap, popularity contests suck, and Syesha draws the short straw this week.

What Were They Thinking?

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The American Idol public has voted and…

Michael Johns is out.

There’s always a shocker at this stage of the competition. Michael was this year’s version. A solid singer with no glaring flaws or distracting tattoos, Johns just gets up there and sings with passion and style. He’s got a good voice. He’s good looking. His rendition of “Dream On” was adequate, in this writer’s opinion. So why is he gone?

…of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: “It might have been!”

Thank you, John Greenleaf Whittier.

Wait, that doesn’t rhyme unless you pronounce pen like peen and been like bean; or pen like pin and been like bin; or pen like pen and been like Ben. ???? ??? ???? Hey, that’s my name! There are lots of possibilities. Some of us pronounce pen like pin and been like bean. ??? ???? ????? ?? ???? Some of us pronounce pen like pin and been like Ben. Some of us pronounce pen like pen and been like bin. What is poetry, anyway? Haiku doesn’t rhyme. What the hell. Know what I’m sayin’. Sheeeiiiitttt! (That’s Ebonic for “Oh, darn! ???? ???? ????? ”)

Michael Johns gone
No stopping Mexican kid
Kristy Lee must stay.

I didn’t expect Johns to be in the final two, but in my thinking he was at least good enough for the final four, which I believe should have been David Archuleta, David Cook, and Carly Smithson, in addition to Johns.

However, who am I to make such a prediction when the American public votes the way they do? It is not up to me to set the standards. Each voter gets to vote his or her own mind, just as many times as their button-pushing fingers, their patience, and their persistence will allow.

So, one has to suspect that the demography of the voting population is substantially different from mine. They have to be a helluva lot younger, for one thing. Youth is a state of mind, you say, but try and keep up with current affairs in the music business! I find myself 5, 10, 15 years behind and the gap is widening. Perhaps the brain has a limited capacity for accommodating pop music as it ages or perhaps our clinging to our old favorites—damn old, at this point—limits the absorptive capacity for new additions. Or maybe a lot of what’s currently popular doesn’t suit us. Or maybe much of it is pure crap. We had pure crap back in my younger days, but none of it had to do with bitches, hoes, and cappin’ cops’ asses. (Remember “Surfer Bird” by the Trashmen? That was the 60s. How about the 50s? “Purple People Eater”? But I digress…)

We know one thing: David Archuleta is destined to prevail in this competition unless he fatally alienates his fan base, which is highly unlikely. It appears to this Turkey that David Cook and Carly Smithson with any hope of offering him a serious challenge, but I have to believe that those hopes are slim. However, anything can happen. I have proved regularly by my off-base predictions here that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I’m out of touch with the voters.

This week features Mariah Carey as “guest mentor.” In other words, she’s promoting her new album and her signature perfume. This is the blurb from the Idol web site:

After being a part of the highly successful Idol Gives Back show last week, international superstar Mariah Carey will be gracing the “Idol” stage once again this Wednesday (results night) to sing “Bye Bye,” the latest single from her new album, E=MC2.

So, Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson will have good chances to show off their pipes this week. So will the backup singers. I think Brooke White can probably do well, too, if she picks the right Mariah song. So can David Archuleta. It remains to be seen whether Jason Castro and David Cook can adapt this kind of commercial crap to their style.

And Kristy Lee Cook—dear Kristy—what will you do for Daddy this week? Choose well, you long-legged, fresh-faced baby girl, and keep this old Turkey happy for yet another week!

Looking is all I can do about it at my age! (Right, Artificially Sweetened?)

Carly Should Teach Her Arm Tatt to Sing

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The Idol wannabes performed on Tuesday, and save for a brilliant performance from David Archuleta, the 17 year-old who looks 13, it was a pretty mundane night.

Dolly Parton’s guest mentorship meant that we would be hearing naught but Dollysongs. Alas, one of those was also a Whitneysong, performances of which in the Whitney style typically cause both my Idol partner, the Redhead, and I, the Nittany Turkey, to blow chunks. Syesha Mercado did the dirty deed with I Will Always Love You, and we both threw up. (I haven’t emptied my vomit bucket yet, just in case she is voted off tonight and gets to sing it again.)

Anyway, in addition to Archuleta’s, credible performances by David Cook and Michael Johns secured the victory for the ballsful contingent. Of the guys, only Jason Castro, who must have been starstruck after Dolly fondled his dreds, actually sucked.

As for the ballsless squad, the stage was replete with a veritable miasma of assorted drek. Carly Smithson delivered the best the breastful ones could muster, but it was nothing close to a knockout punch. Little Ramiele Malubay with the great big voice and somewhat chubby legs looked a little more comfortable than she had been of late, but nothing about her number renewed my faith in her being around at the end. Brooke White sang in whiter shades of pale vanilla white. Non-memorable and bland. The only babe performance of note was horse-girl Kristy Lee Cook, she of the great altitude and fine, fine, superfine legs. They even looked good as she pranced around the stage barefoot. Yeah, I won’t mind keeping her around for another week. Oh yeah, she sang, too, and she does country pretty well. It’s her thing, you know.

So, upon about six seconds thought, one of the following three must go this week: Syesha, Brooke, or Ramiele, not necessarily in that order. A dark horse for odd man out would be Jason Castro, but this Turkey thinks his hair will keep the teen votes coming for at least another week.

Results tonight on Fox.