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The Clash of the Titans: Get Beckman!

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University of Illinois

On Saturday, the University of Illinois football team (mascot uncertain — see below) brings a record of 3-4 overall and 0-3 in the Big Ten to Beaver Stadium to face the mighty Nittany Lions of Penn State (4-3, 1-2 B1G). Both teams are coming off humiliating losses last week, with PSU having lost to Ohio State 63-14 and Illinois having gone down on Moo U. 42-3. And thus, this is — the Clash of the Titans!

In sportswriter parlance, both teams would be “looking to bounce back” from their tragic losses, but what the hell else would they be looking for? Failure? Alas, only one team will bounce back while the other will drop like a watermelon and go splat.

Debacular Performances

Here are the stats from last week, comparing both losers’ performances:

Illinois Penn State
Defense
Opponent yards passing 208 278
Opponent yards rushing 269 408
Opponent total yards 477 686
Opponent first downs 29 32
Opponent time of possession 39:06 33:21
Offense
Yards Passing 103 237
Yards Rushing 25 120
Total Yards 128 357
Turnovers 2 3
Time of Possession 20:54 26:39
First downs 8 20

 

So much for debacleball. Both teams better put last week behind them.

This ‘n’ That (that sounds gay)

Much of the Illinois offense revolves around the passing of Illinois’ senior quarterback, Nathan Scheelhaase. [Wait! That reads like Scheelhaase died. Aw, hell. I’ll leave it go the way it is. —TNT] Forgetting about the shitty Moo U. game, let’s take a look at the 56-32 loss to Wisconsin for a clue as to what Scheelhaase can do to ya. His line in that game was 20-27 for 249 yards, no TDs and no INTs. No great shakes, but he’s an accurate passer, who is presently in fourth place among passers in the B1G and 26th in the BCS. Against the Penn State secondary — or absence of same — this is reason for some concern.

Of course, Scheelhaase has had his share of off-field distraction during the past week, as his old man was barred from the Illinois campus after being involved in a fight in the stands during the Moo U. loss. I guess there’s no injunction against his attending the game at Beaver Stadium, so wear your boxing gloves if you’ll be there.

Penn State is going to get lots of yards on the ground against Illinois’ 93rd ranked rush defense. The thing to look for is not a thing, it’s a person. Will Zach Zwinak reappear after his umpteenth fumble followed by a prime-time chewing out and end-of-bench forced exile at the behest of Bill O’Brien? It seems clear that Bill Belton is now the O’Brien anointed feature back. So, will Zwinak accept a lesser role? If he does, will he hang onto the ball?

The passing game will depend on a couple of things, the most significant being Christian Hackenberg’s shoulder both literally and figuratively. Will he recover from being ground into the turf at the behest of the Buckeye Brutes? Will he be the spiritual leader of the team and carry it on his wounded shoulders? He has the leading receiver in the B1G to throw the damn ball to, and if he can improve his reads, his accuracy, and his pocket awareness, between Allen “Gimme da Damn Ball”  Robinson and his plethora of other weapons, Penn State should be able to do well through the air against a defense that has a guy with a V-apostrophe in the secondary.

(Do I sound like Phil Grosz here? “If Penn State makes the changes I tell them to make and Jupiter flies up my ass, then there is a great chance that the Nittany Lions will still finish 8-4 this year.” Or not.)

Special teams can, and often will, killya, as it were.

Illinois has a dangerous return game, while Penn State’s special teams are not anything to write home about. This gives me an opportunity to make fun of a name, so I’ll tell you that Illinispeedster V’Angelo Bentley is a sophomore with a future. He ranks 4th nationally in kickoff returns, averaging 30.8 yards. Penn State ranks #104 nationally in kickoff return defense, allowing an average of 24.30 yards per return. Something’s gotta give here. The V’Angeroo does punt returns, too and averages 15.8 there. This would rank him #7 nationally if he had enough returns to qualify for the minimum. (See, no one has to punt against Illinois, I guess.) Injuryspeakwise, V’Ange is listed as probable, with a “foot”. In his native Italy — wait! no, he ain’t Italian — that would be un piede.

Penn State is 37th in punt return defense. Meanwhile, return specialist Jesse Della Valle of Penn State ranks 19th returning punts. Problems with the kicking game and coverage have been apparent. Alex Butterworth doesn’t even rank in the top 94 punters. This will hurt PSU.

Other Suckage Factors

You all know where PSU sucks, so let me rub some of it in here. Turnover margin: Penn State ranks #108, with a -8. Don’t feel too bad, though. Illinois is right behind them, with a -5. The good news is the PSU has improved to #110 (from #122) in third down conversion percentage, now batting a solid (?) .311.

Noon Start

We’re back to the weedy backwaters of noon startages. I advised the gang that the food selection at The Cave this week would be replete with Wheaties, Cheerios, scrambled eggs, and coffee. Noon starts suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Fortunately, this is a home game, so there’s some chance of winning, but we’ll get a crappy broadcasting team, maybe including that broad who assumed Pam Ward’s position as token babe football announcer at ESPN. (But at least we’re getting ESPN, not ESPN2, ESPN3, ESPNU, etc., so maybe we’ll get a real announcer.)

It should be an interesting time in The Cave, inasmuch as one of us, in the personage of Artificially Sweetened, is a graduate of the University of Illinois. Although she claims complete loyalty to Penn State, I saw her get pissed off at a Roethlisberger interception last Sunday, and she’s dangerous when she gets crossed like Big Ben did. Hackenberg better sure as hell avoid that wrath or we might have a counter-spy in our midst.

Heap Big Chief Illiniwek — The Original Illinus

Chief Illiniwek
Chief Illiniwek

Our famous alumnus feature this week examines the most famous honorary alumnus of a prince of a man, a non-football redskin, an injun chief, a guy who inhabited Illinois long before Abe Lincoln read all those damn books by the fire in his log cabin, the one, the only Chief Illiniwek!

Back in 2007, Chief Illiniwek danced his last official, University sponsored war dance at an Illinois basketball game. Embroiled in controversy over the purported offensive nature of his Fighting Illinihood, university officials capitulated to pressures from weenies who had nothing better to do with their time than do a little symbolic social engineering of their own. In the wake of the heap big chief’s dismantling — a move that also saw sports teams change from “Fighting Illini” to simply “Illini” — an organization called the Honor the Chief Society emerged with the ostensible purpose of clinging to the past tradition of war dances, peace pipes, and scalpings, or whatever.

Now, that group has been challenged legally and a settlement has been reached. The University is particularly interested in getting away from the cowboys & Indians phase of its existence, so it has put the clamps on Honor the Chief. They still have their own instance of the heap big chief and he still dances.

The society will not be allowed to do the following: use the term “Chief Illiniwek,” use the Chief logo, refer to people as Chief Illiniwek or refer to people as the next Chief Illiniwek. The society must also refrain from filling out additional trademark applications regarding Chief Illiniwek.

The Daily Illini editorialized in today’s issue:

So what now?

In the culture we live in, the issue of the Chief as a mascot won’t just disappear after a settlement. This resolved a legal issue but didn’t necessarily address the culture of the Chief that still exists on campus.

We don’t expect the University to change its stance after the latest development or in the near future, either.

Merely, the agreement perpetuates the issue whether portraying certain native dances are considered as tributes or offensive. University officials could have continued the fight and even extended its reach — tried to gain control over all activity over the Chief. But that would have left out the most important success from the discussion: a mutual agreement.

On the other hand, after five years, it didn’t seem like the Honor the Chief Society was going to step off the gas pedal and back down to the University’s demands.

A settlement of this nature was the right solution. Sure, the University and the Honor the Chief Society lost something here, but each has secured some rights, too.

Does anyone outside of the Illini community care?

Da Weather

Looks like the weather shouldn’t be much of a factor. A cold front will be passing through during the day, but the game should be played in reasonably sane conditions with a high around 56°F (515.67°R — for those of you who are devotees of the Rankine temperature scale). There might be a shower or two, courtesy of Kohler.

And now…

The Official Turkey Poop Prediction is finally upon us. After last week, I had to look to see where I stand. I cringed and found I was 5-2 straight up, 4-3 against the spread, and 5-2 on the over/under. Not bad, considering what we all think we’ve been through this year. I really screwed up last week, giving Penn State credit for some semblance of a defense. Maybe all the lobbying by Sanguinarians K. John and Phil Grosz have gotten through and clouded my brain. This week, I dunno. I sense a Nittany Lions team that dearly wants to forget last week and would dearly love to kick Tim Beckman’s ass. I hope they have a giant poster of Beckman hanging in the locker room.

Before the season started, I wrote the following about the Illinois game:

Illinois. Hahahahhahahhahahahha. LOLOLOL. LMAO. :D:D:D:D:D This is as close to a Division II opponent as PSU will face this year. LOL. The schmucks tried to raid our team when the NCAA declared it a free-for-all. Karma, baby! Karma! :P:P:P

That’s still the way I feel about this game. But I will show respect for Nate and V’Angelo. I promise.

The current gambling line is PSU minus 11 and an over/under of 56. (Sound familiar? That was the over/under for the OSU game, too. I screwed up, going with the under on that one.) This suggests a Penn State win with a final score of approximately 33-22 or thereabouts.  Revenge will be so sweet. PSU 37, Illinois 20. Take the over.

(The Turkey will be back after the game to deliver his controversial recap and whatever else he feels like spouting.)

Sudden Impact: The Fakowies

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I spend all this time this afternoon, having a Kona Fire Rock liquid lunch, and you’re still here awaiting some pearls of wisdom regarding the Penn State vs. Illinois game? Well, friends, what you see is what you get. Actually, I passed out for a while after writing an awful pile of steaming offal, much of which I’ve ditched as I return to the task at hand around 2 a.m., having been awakened from my serene somnolence by an excruciatingly painful quadriceps cramp.

Chief Illiniwek
Heap Big Chief Illiniwek, banished by the NCAA, but not forgotten.

The mighty and beleaguered Nittany Lions (2-2) kick off the Big Ten season against the Illinois Fighting Illini (2-2) as each seek to obtain their first B1G win. Based on all the whining and wanking out there, the Big Ten isn’t what it’s cracked up to be, so who could care? Nahhhh, shaddup, folks. Each game is a microcosm unto itself, and there’s no reason to be a bunch of smug wankers considering Penn State’s chances jerking off against the bottom half of the Big Ten. We’re back to football for the sake of enjoying watching kids compete at a decent level, no longer subscribing to the vicariously Cartesian concept of : “I watch football; therefore, I am.”

This Penn State team is obviously not going to compete in the post-season, so we have nothing to lose by watching them each week. “We’re” playing for pride, for the purest motivations of earnest young student-athletes. (Oy, that they all might someday get Drew Rosenhaus as their agent, already, and make it big in the NFL!)

Alan King
Alan King

You know why we call the Illini the “Fakowies”, don’t you? It’s reminiscent of an old Alan King joke about the “Lost Tribe” of Israel. King characterized the lost tribe (the tribe of Benjamin, don’t you know) as a band of Indians called the Fakowie — the Lost Tribe. And you know why they called them the lost tribe? Because when you ride up to them, they say, “we’re da fakowie” — phoneticize it and figure it the hell out. I don’t have time, but I’m a big appreciator of the late Alan King.

The Illini could well be the lost tribe. The Peoria Indians, Illini included, left Illinois a long time ago. They’re still energetically declaring to each stranger that will listen, “We’re da Fakowie!”

And for that reason, among others, we won’t be seeing Chief Illiniwek cavorting on the sidelines. I’ve covered his sorry ass and the reasons for its demise in prior columns here and here. Illiniwek, the poor schmuck, his people having been driven out of Illinois by the white eyes, did not deserve his 2005 NCAA sanctions. I say, BRING BACK DA CHIEF!

“Turnovers’ll kill ya.” —Frank Gifford, Monday Night Football, countless instances

Saturday, we’ll have the meeting of two Big Ten quasi-powerhouses, as the Illini (2-2, 0-0) are about in the same boat as PSU, sans sanctions.  No one expects much from Illinois and that’s quite likely what they’ll get. Take last week, for example. The Illini got their clocks cleaned by non-BCS Louisiana Tech 52-24. The pacified Illini (can’t say “Fighting” anymore thanks to the thought police at the NCAA) coughed up the ball six times in an otherwise fairly even game that never got off the ground for Illinois. Three of the turnovers led to first quarter scores for the Bulldogs, and before they knew it, the Illini were down 21-7, with three quarters available for them to right the ship. It wasn’t enough. “Turnovers’ll kill ya.”

Channeling the late Joe Paterno, Illinois coach Tim Beckman said, “Regardless of who you’re playing you’re not going to win football games if you turn the football over and give up big strikes. I credit Louisiana Tech — I think Louisiana Tech’s got a good football team. But we still have to play much better.”

In other words, they rolled over and played dead — how embarrassing.

Our worthy academic rivals, as it were

Lennie Briscoe
Jerry Orbach as Lennie Briscoe in Law & Order

I usually throw something in about the venerable institutions we face, letting you in on famous alumni and traditions like the “Brick Dick” of Eastern Michigan University, home of Dan Florek. About Illinois, I would fill several pages—10 Nobel prize winners and 11 Pulitzer winners,  just for starters. But hey, the perfect face of the Illiniwankers would be a guy who once walked the beat with the aforementioned Dan Florek in New York on Law & Order after a very successful Broadway career. Officer Lennie Briscoe, also known as Jerry Orbach, earned his B.A. at Champaign. No wonder how he knew just how to handle Penny’s botched abortion in Dirty Dancing! But why—oh, why—did he put Baby in the corner?

I should also mention that the University of Illinois is also the alma mater of my very own Artificially Sweetened, a graduate of UI-Chicago, which has no football team and was formerly called “The Circle” because of the many satanic cult sessions conducted there. She learned how to sweeten there. In fact, they taught her how to train bacteria.

The impact Illinois has made on the wide world of sports deserves mention, especially in football, where the list is long and distinguished: Dick Butkus, Red Grange, George “Papa Bear” Halas, Ray Nitschke (the traitor who went on to play a hall of fame career as a bald-headed middle linebacker with the Green Bay Packers), and Rashard Mendenhall, who better get his ass in gear with the Steelers this year.

Stripe-ass stripe out?

You know how successful comedic genius and Paterno buddy Guido d’Elia’s “White Out” campaign was at Penn State when you see how often it is imitated around the country. Yes, my turkologists, imitation is by far the sincerest form of flattery. Well, not to be outdone by the loads of other copycats out there, the Illini football marketeers are “declaring” a “Stripe the Stadium“-out to confuse the Nittany Lions. Ahh, the wonder of alternating sections of fans decked out in orange and blue. But will they get it right? Will it make Matt McGloin think he’s throwing into a giant Benetton store replete with those dumb-ass striped scarves? (Hell, I don’t even know if Benetton is in business anymore, but I digress.) The odd-numbered sections in Memorial Stadium will be adorned by Illini fans in orange, as will the entire north end zone; the rest of the sections will, in theory, wear blue.

College students being what they are, particularly on Saturday mornings, the kind folks in the athletics department at UIUC have provided an easy to follow, graphical seating guide. It will be interesting to observe the end result.

Illinois has a quarterback controversy. Remember Nathan Scheelhaase? OK, then. Do you remember trying to pronounce Nathan Scheelhaase? Well, he’s having his struggles this season, and young Reilly O’Toole is stepping up to take advantage of the situation. Scheelhaase had been out with a sprained ankle, missing two games. He came back just for Louisiana Tech, and blew his grand reopening. He was yanked during that fateful first quarter.

Hmmm. This seems to be a game that should be played in Dublin. Clan Wars — O’Toole vs. McGloin. A fight to the death. May the lad with the larger shellalagh ultimately prevail. Now, shake hands and come out fighting. Hey! Wash those hands first!

At least the kicking game is sound, with the French/Polish coalition of Justin DuVernois and freshman Taylor Zalewski.

Why are there no black place kickers?

Could someone please give me the name of a black place kicker who had any kind of game? I bet you can’t even think of a place kicker whose skin is darker than Snow White’s. (And have you seen Charlize Theron as the evil Snow White? Want me some of dat.) But I digress. This would be the trivia question of the week, were it not for the tragedy inherent in the conundrum. I mean, really. Why aren’t there more black field goal kickers?

Donald Igwebuike
Donald Igwebuike, the only remembered black place kicker in the NFL.

The only black place kicker guy I can think of who made it in the NFL was Donald Igwebuike, a true African-American, originally Nigerian soccer player who played his college ball in the U.S. at Clemson, and went on to be an NFL place kicker with the Tampa Bay Bucs and the Minnesota Vikings in the 1980s, leaving a trail of name-desecration carnage behind him in all the sports broadcast booths of the western world.

How do we get more Iggys?

Funny you should ask. Turns out that theDonald has a kicking academy of his very own, and being in the Silver Springs, Maryland area, it’s pretty close to the Beltway. Perhaps a good, old-fashioned kick-start subsidy from the Hill in return for promising to produce potential NFL place kickers — kind of Affirmative Action for place kickers.

Someone out there must have an explanation for this paradox and eventually, possibly, maybe, a viable solution will emerge. Perhaps the Penn Staters for Responsible Stewardship could stop jerking off for a while and delve into this serious issue. For Penn State has surely been remiss if it has never had a black place kicker. WTF?

Players of Color have made their way into the punting position (the late, great Reggie Roby of the early 1980s Iowa Hawkeyes and subsequently, the Miami Dolphins, et. al., comes to mind — one of the best ever), but not the place kicking one. Why, other than the aforementioned Iggy? I need to know. The next Travis Forney could be out there in Harlem, South Central, The Hill, or the remains of Detroit, dreaming of Penn State as a venue for his groundbreaking career as a place kicker.

How likely is that to happen?

For those of you who accuse me of being a raaaaaacist—of course I’m a racist-–I recognize that there are differences between and among all sorts of different humankind. I don’t believe in all this leveling the playing field garbage, sweeping the unseemly reality that there are players of all sorts of differing abilities out there under the rug. If a black guy is better than I am, he should get my job; if I am better than he is, I should get the damn job.  So, why the hell, given that there’s so much whining about innnnnnnnnnnnnequality and unfooooooooooooooooortunate people, do we not have more black place kickers? This is an outrage!

(You tell ’em, Jesse!)

Or do you think the position isn’t glamorous enough, and involves a lot of practice, and the chances of failure are far fewer than the chances of succeeding? Who wants that? To work for it, I mean. Can’t do much free-lancing or showboating as a kicker.  To be  a ground-breaking, history-making sort of guy— isn’t that enough of an inducement? What’s up with that? Perhaps our buddy Warren Sapp can comment on this. I’m just shakin’ my head.

OK. Enough of thaaaaaaat.

And I’m still shakin’ mah head over what PS4RS hopes to accomplish.  That organization sent out an e-mail that indicated they had incorporated as a 501 (c) 3 non-profit, meaning that they’ll stick around for a while, doing whatever rabble rousing they think is their purpose. I can tell you two things they will not accomplish: 2) any mitigation of the NCAA sanctions against Penn State, and 1) any make-up of the board of trustees that is markedly different from what they are now. Nevertheless, it is good that the exercise in futility has provided so much hope for so many. So did Obama, and you see where that went. Wide left. Oh, PS4RS is innocuous enough if its mission is restricted to making people feel good, but their delusions of grandeur are getting on my nerves. The next big David & Goliath production by Cecil B. DeMille, starring Charlton Heston in lifelike Cinerama, so real you’ll think you were there!

Oh, yeah. There’s a game to talk about. I almost forgot again.

The Illini seem to be worthy opponents, with an identical record and not yet having broken their B1G cherry. Oh, there’s the grudge factor, that Illinois sent a bunch of vultures to State College in their attempt to pick up some talent the cheap, easy, and NCAA condoned way, but that’s only meaningful to women at this point. So what if they have Ryan Nowicki? Who cares? This reminds me of a scene 40 years ago where a guy was horning in on the babe I was chatting up in a bar, and when I got pissed off, he said, “If she would go with me, you wouldn’t want her, anyway!” I had to laugh. Truer words had never been spoken. I saved some scraped knuckles and had a good laugh.

I don’t care about Ryan Nowicki, and I’m not going to whine à la PS4RS about how we wuz wronged by the big, bad NCAA, who practically issued engraved invitations for players to leave Penn State in the wake of the great consent decree implosion. I wish Mr. Nowicki lots of luck and if Tim Beckman wants to run his coaching staff that way, God will eventually get him.

What I do care about is that Penn State has been taking better care of the ball, now ranking 24th nationally in net positive turnovers ratio. And I also care that McGloin has settled into a role as a confident and serviceable quarterback, one who won’t be setting any records or eventually heading to Canton to pick up a yellow jacket but who could make the difference in closely contested games.

I’d start worrying about Allen Robinson right here and now. He’s too good, and is McGloin’s favorite target, with 7.25 rceptions per game. The guy is right-sized and will fit into just about anyone’s scheme;  I wouldn’t be surprised if he bolted for greener pastures after this season.

One thing you know for sure: Paul Jones won’t be catching any more passes as a Penn State tight end. He has left the team for the dreaded “personal reasons.” And so, the sad experiments with “almost was coulda woulda shoulda” stories of Rob Bolden and Paul Jones have resulted in only some minor profits for the spare parts surplus stores.

Penn State’s passing attack is almost respectable, ranked 45th. Alas, the running game, as you all know, has been decimated by  injuries to key players, thus settling in at 94th on the division formerly known I-A. Things are looking up a bit, with Bill Belton slated to return for this game. Don’t expect him to be 100% quite yet.

You can expect Illinois, better known for its famous “Fakowie Cover Four” than for any semblance of offense, to put a worthy defense on the field, notwithstanding their having given up 52 points to LaTech. The Illini have long produced talented linebackers. This year, the superstud is pre-season All-American junior Jonathan Brown, a 6′-1″ — you might remember his as a proverbial “one-man’s wrecking crew” approach during the Illinois- Penn State game in 2011: Led Illinois with 11 tackles, 2.5 TFLs, one sack, two PBUs, a forced fumble and a fumble recovery against Penn State.

On the Penn State defense, we have… um… Mike Mauti. He’s tied for 13th nationally with 10.5 tackles for game. Linebacker U lives!

What of the other factors? OMG. Illinois weather. You know what they say—if you don’t like it, wait five minutes and it will change. How come everybody issues the same summary indictment of their own weather to visitors, as if the visitors didn’t come from a place in which if you wait five minutes their weather would change. This whole thing has bred a collection of optimists who walk around with their thumbs up their asses waiting five minutes. Well, ya fucks, here’s what we’ll call The Turkey Corollary: Five minutes won’t change shit! So, dethumb, o learned ones, and behold that the weather today in central Illinois will be best described by the highly technological meteorological term, “nice.” Partly sunny with a high of 76°F (24°C, 297°K). Weather should not be a factor, whether or not I said so.

Our announcing crew is an upgrade, so thanks for small miracles. Dave Pasch, Brian Griese, and Jenn Brown will be handling the broadcasting chores for ESPN, who just luvvvvvvv to capitalize on Penn State’s notoriety. 

And so, as we approach the time of night/day in which predictions are driven more by the desire to sleep than the desire to be accurate, we stumble directly into the Officially Wasted Turkey Poop prognostication for Week 5 Illinification. Ahhhh, a smelly little den it is, replete with foul fowls soporifically smoking opium through small, silver pipes. I’ll tell you I don’t like what is going on in Vegas. They’ve got Illinois  bet down to a mere one point favorite at home over PSU. The punters think 41.5 is a good place to draw the over/under line. And how can one argue with punters? They’d just as soon drive a ball up your ass. They’re suggesting a 21-20 squeaker.

This Turkey has another idea about the whole thing. There’s no doubt that we’ll see turnovers. Turnovers’ll kill ya. In this case, though, it will be Illinois whom they’ll kill. I like Penn State to win 27-23, and I’m taking the over. Can PSU actually cover this spread???

I’ll be back sometime after the game, hopefully sober, to wrap it up (i.e. break it down).

 

Alumni Trick or Treat?

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Homecoming at Penn State should be a treat for the alumni. However, the way the Nittany Lions have been playing thus far this year, one has to wonder whether they will be humiliated on their home field, leaving with egg on their face and t.p. in their trees. Will the coach and four turn into a pumpkin and rats at high noon? Or will the boys get things back ungetrackt? We’ll see. Trick or treat? (I know, I know, it’s too early for the Hallowe’en metaphor, but work with me here, folks!)

On Saturday, the Fighting Illini (2-2, 0-1 Big Ten) face the Nittany Lions (3-2, 0-1). Illinois is coming off a home loss to Ohio State, 24-13. Of course, as you know unless you’ve been in Underwater Demolition Team training for the past week or two, Penn State lost to Iowa, 24-3.

“However, if these guys should happen to stop believing that they can win and they actually do lose to Illinois, it sets the stage for a season record no better than a barely bowl eligible 6-6.” —TNT

“Trick or treat?” is not the only question that needs to be answered about these Nittany Lions. As yet, they have not coalesced into a characterizable entity. We know where they are weak, which is to varying degrees everywhere but kicking field goals. We know they have some talented individuals, although not as talented as many prior teams. We know that they lack leadership, which is why they are playing like a collection of modestly talented individuals instead of a whole that exceeds the sum of its parts.

Many Chicken Littles out there are writing this game off as a loss. It is tempting to say that the thus far impotent Penn State offense will not improve beyond the red zone ineptitude we’ve seen from it thus far. It is further tempting to say that the mediocre defensive front seven will continue to be tentative and semi-ineffectual for the rest of the season, giving up a few touchdowns per game.

Well, this turkey is not a chicken. The sky isn’t falling. Some years PSU fields good teams; some years they’re mediocre. This team is the latter. That doesn’t mean they are going to necessarily lose the rest of their games. They’re good enough to beat the Hoosiers, anyhow. My position is that if they lose this game to Illinois, their fragile, young, leaderless little egos will take a severe hit that will lead to a putrid end result. At the moment, I’m counting this game as a snap-back win when I predict the ultimate 2010 regular season record to be 7-5. I’m anticipating losses to Ohio State, Michigan, and Michigan State. However, if these guys should happen to stop believing that they can win and they actually do lose to Illinois, it sets the stage for a season record no better than a barely bowl eligible 6-6. A loss to Northwestern or Minnesota would drop that to 5-7. Aaaaargh! They have to win this game!

On paper, both resemble middle of the pack Big Ten squads who will lose to the upper echelon teams and will beat the dead meat. What we have here is a big battle of the mediocre, with the big advantage going to Penn State for playing on its home field. When you peruse the various blogs, zines, message boards, newspaper sites, and bar rooms, you’ll find that even Penn State partisans are split as to which team wins the trophy for this game, a highly desirable paint-by-the-numbers velvet painting of Ron Zook shaking hands with Joe Paterno at mid-field, painted by Chief Illiniwek himself at the Peoria Nation Assisted Living Centre for Tribal Elders in Happy Hunting Ground, OK.

It is certainly conceivable that the Penn State running game could get back in gear against the young Illini defense. This turkey would love to see some more creative opening up of the passing attack, too. On the other hand, the Penn State defense is mediocre, which Illinois’ Mikel LeShoure can exploit with a 100 yard game. The second leading rusher is quarterback Nathan Scheelhaase, who tends to look briefly for passing targets and then take off running. However, the Illinois pass offense is hampered by Scheelhaase, as well as a dearth of talented wide receivers. Their tight end situation is sad, too. Our linebackers won’t be severely taxed in pass coverage, which is a break for them because they pretty much suck at it. The secondary isn’t all that good and it has suffered significant attrition with the benching of Derrick Thomas for godknowswhat. They could give up a couple of long plays if they have their heads up their asses.

(You know how much I love that great Sandusky legacy, the soft zone. It might be necessary for this collection of mediocre DBs, but someday—SOMEDAY!—I’d like to see a more aggressive pass defense, damnit!)

The Nittany Lions must get off to a good start and avoid playing catch-up. So far, they haven’t shown that they can, unless we’re talking about Kent State. I don’t want to talk about Kent State. They also must capitalize on more of their trips to the red zone than not, and get six points, not three, more often than not. Wishful thinking? You bet!

Weather will not be a factor in this game. The forecast is “sunny and delightful” with a high of 70. Damn, don’t I wish I were there. Being a noon start, the student section at Beaver Stadium will be slow to fill up, but I hope to hell it does fill up. I tend to be an embarrassed turkey when the students stay home sleeping off their hangovers.

I think I’ll wrap this up now with the moment you’ve all been awaiting with bated anticipation: the Official Turkey Poop Prediction! But first, let me just say that those of you who attend homecoming will have a great treat in store as you drive through the Pennsylvania mountains in their fall splendor. I wish I were there. But I digress. Gambling lines favor Penn State by 8 with an over/under of 42. This suggests a final score of 25-17. I’m counting on catching the Illini napping with an early TD and I’m also counting on Collin Wagner to make three of four field goals. Add one late touchdown to that and we’ll be right about where I want to be. Take the “under” and take the Illini+8. Penn State 23, Illinois 16.