The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Handicapping the Candidates

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OK, so I was bored and decided to create the odds for the 2008 presidential race. Yeah, I know, not all of these people have declared their candicacy and there’s the omnipresent possibility that a Draft Howard Stern movement will gain momentum. On the other hand, I thought I would throw these people’s names up in the air and see where they landed. Consider this the opinion of one Turkey, and feel free to disagree with any of my implications.

Democrats
Odds Candidate Comments
4-5 Hillary Clinton Wins easily unless pulls up lame (no pun intended).
3-1 Barak Obama Early speed; doubtful if can go the distance.
8-1 John Edwards Did well as stable entry in 2004.
10-1 Al Gore Should be running at Hollywood Park.
15-1 Joe Biden A legend in his own mind.
20-1 Christopher Dodd Not enough leg to gain ground on the lead mare.
30-1 Dennis Kucinich Neighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Needs to be reined in.
75-1 Wesley Clark Can bother lead runners.
99-1 Mike Gravel Too long in the tooth. Too bad.
99-1 Bill Richardson Spanish stallion might surprise with Hispanic vote on his side.
99-1 Al Sharpton No chance for nomination, but would offer comic relief in dull debates.

 

Republicans
Odds Candidate Comments
5-2 Rudy Giuliani Early front-runner.Can rabbit Rudy persevere?
3-1 Mitt Romney Can hold his own in this company.
5-1 John McCain Has spent years trying to break into this circuit but always gives ground.
15-1 Newt Gingrich Will missteps hurt his chances?
20-1 Fred Thompson Recognizable name and face. Sam Waterston for VP?
30-1 George Pataki Big and tough. Might surprise.
50-1 Tommy Thompson Former governor and minor cabinet member always has a shot.
50-1 Mike Huckabee A former Arkansas governor for president? Are you kidding?
50-1 Chuck Hagel Could split from pack.
75-1 Tom Tancredo Favorite of old-line railbirds.
99-1 Sam Brownback Will peter out early.
99-1 John Cox Fair Tax man has lots of money, but no legs.
99-1 Jim Gilmore No chance.
99-1 Duncan Hunter Anti-illegal immigration activist can’t run with this crowd.
99-1 Ron Paul Would run well on Libertarian track. Not in this company.
99-1 Fred Phelps Republican answer to Al Sharpton. Also ran.
99-1 Michael Savage If this horse’s ass wins this race, I’ll kiss that ass in Macy’s window.

“What can I say?”

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So said Randy Jackson last night on American Idol, following the performance of Sanjaya Malakar, who now must be regarded as one of the potential finalists, albeit ludicrously so. Malakar, the favorite of 13 year-old girls everywhere, delivered a somewhat restrained—ok, let’s call it awful—performance, as he continues to prove each week that he does not belong on the same stage with even the worst of the other remaining contestants. To boot, he sported a new hairdo, a weird, Mohawklike thing that looked like seven feather dusters implanted in his cranium. In his insouciant banter with the so-called judges after his crappy performance he dubbed it a “Pony Hawk,” referring to the seven ponytails arranged in a a medial arc from his prefrontal cortex to his cerebellum.

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Time Warp

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Let the government handle something and it really gets screwed up! This past weekend, we went on Daylight Savings Time (Summer Time to you English blokes), because Congress, in its infinitely self-perceived wisdom, so decried. It is normally bad enough when the time change occurs on schedule, so it follows that when an act of Congress moves it up by a month, complete chaos will ensue. Accordingly, I spent Sunday completely screwed up.

“Daylight saving just brings a smile to everybody’s faces.”—Rep. Ed Markey, D-Mass., on March 8.

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